Phoenix Rising

On Thursday I had started to write my next piece for this blog, I had finished it on Friday but I have yet to post it as I wanted to give it some thought and edit it before posting. I took the weekend off, filling my time between finishing Alison Bechdels comic novel Fun Home, and finishing off my latest adventure on the PS5, Star Wars: Jedi Fallen Order. As I said in an earlier piece I am an avid gamer. I find gaming helps me process my thinking. That might sound weird but I have this talent for being able to traverse platforms and solve puzzles whilst delving into thoughts and feelings that need processed. I think my dissociation has a lot do with it. I am not dissociating whilst gaming, I am in fact quite present. However I can see that others help out in this time. I might have failed the same section of a game several times over then suddenly I’ve done it! The right co ordination in the right moment and I believe this is other alters helping. Last night when I finished the book Fun Home I started my next book, Colin Bateman Thunder and Lightening. I have been really excited to read this memoir of Colin growing up in Bangor, Northern Ireland, I enjoy his humour and have read every book he has published. This evening a few chapters in something triggered my anger. The point of this post is to explain why I’ve delayed my next piece. After writing it, I realised how triggered I felt about writing down my experience of my descent into awareness of my dissociation. In the piece I have touched on the fact that I was angry about not being seen. I have been very diplomatic. In reality after taking a couple of days to process what I have written and getting triggered by the book I realise that I’m very angry. I realise and acknowledge how adults all around me failed to keep me safe. Worse than not keeping me safe I was consistently told I was the problem, I was stupid, I was lazy, I was broken, I was worthless. Just about everybody reinforced this at home and at school. I wasn’t protected and it’s taken such a lot of hard work and healing to get where I am at today. I wasn’t the problem and every day even if I don’t believe myself I have to work hard to reaffirm my self worth to Me…all of Me. I know I will work through this anger and I won’t let it taint my heart. I just wanted to share this as I probably won’t edit the other piece to reflect the depth of my anger.

Phoenix