Phoenix Rising

I just want to clarify something before reading this next piece in my journey. This year I changed my name by deed poll to Phoenix. Before that my name was Debbie just to avoid confusion in this piece.

I have explained my departure from work and stepping into the world of mental health treatment and my first appointment with the psychiatrist. Those where dark and stormy days, I would be losing time constantly, but had no idea why? Then one evening whilst playing a co-op game of Pro Evolution Soccer on the PS2 with my ex-partner, I lost time again. This time I came back and was still sitting in the armchair, I was holding the controller and my ex was staring at me and looking puzzled. As I tried to gather myself back together, I asked her why she was staring at me? She told me I had scored a goal in the game and when she congratulated me by cheering my name, I had apparently looked up at her and said quietly that my name is Luke, and I scored the goal not Debbie! My ex just took it in her stride and said she didn’t give much of reaction. When I talked with her about how I felt I was confused and disorientated. Not knowing about dissociation or really having an awareness of how deep my trauma runs, I thought that this was confirmation that I am truly insane. Around this time two other alters began making themselves known. There was Katie who is 5 years old and Mark who is 18 years old. The mental health team weren’t much help and didn’t help to allay my fears of being mad. At that time Mark was deeply unhappy, he would self-harm severely, sniff butane and tended to just wander off dazed. I would return to the front and find cuts on my arms or find myself a couple of miles from home and not understand why these things were happening. My psychiatrist gave me a diagnosis of EUPD. My crisis periods were deepened as mental health staff would refuse to communicate with us if another alter was fronting. One time when I was sectioned and on a psychiatric ward, I had a deep self-inflicted wound on my head. An alter came forward and asked a member of staff to check the wound. The member of staff refused saying she would not endorse our paranoia. In fact, if she had just of had a bit more compassion and understanding it may have prevented the complete meltdown that ensued! I was left in a tornado of crisis after crisis. I had no understanding why this was happening to me, and the Doctors and health professionals seemed to mostly either treat me with disbelief or contempt. At that time was no communication between myself and any of my Alters. Every wall was firmly in place. To be truthful at that time it was it easier for me to dissociate and not to know. I didn’t know at that time that I even though I had been functioning on some level that I had been dissociating my entire life. This was just the beginning, little did I know how many beautiful but deeply hurt alters that were going to come forward, little did I know of the long road ahead.