Phoenix Rising

Life can feel so frustrating. My trauma means the same patterns happen time and time again, as new alters bring new pieces of our troubled past. More secrets unlocked, which brings sadness, fear, anxiety and cause actual body memories, in the most recent case it has led to me feeling like I am suffering from a frozen shoulder. This is the latest in a long line of physical problems that have plagued my life. After many years of healing work I am aware that the majority of ailments have been based in deep trauma. That’s not to say they don’t feel completely real in this moment even to the point that medical examinations will confirm the symptoms I am having. My shoulder problem has been excruciating for the last week to the point that I can’t raise my arm above my waist and any attempt to do so results in breathlessness at the severity of the pain. Every night I have tried to make myself as comfortable as I can on my sofa as lying in bed has exacerbated the problem this has led to a lot of restless and sleepless nights and severe fatigue during the day. A couple of nights ago someone offered to help me. Someone who knows me and my system deeply and we both agreed I needed help. Yesterday morning we video called each other. I have been trying to do things differently and stay more present during dissociation, this is incredibly difficult. Two alters came forward who are holding this trauma in our shoulder, confirmation that it’s not a here and now problem but related to past trauma. I was present with the first alter but not the second as walls where pulled up quickly shutting me out. Even so they both worked with the person on the video call. Afterwards my pain has reduced by half and I was able to go to bed last night and even get some much needed sleep. These are alters who are stuck in their trauma, to them the physical pain they experienced is still happening right now. They need to be witnessed, heard and find safety in the here and now.

I get frustrated as all week I have tried to help myself alone. I have tried to communicate with my system, have sat and tried to talk to the pain and yet the power of dissociation prevents me helping myself. Last night I was thinking about this and came up with a metaphor to try and explain the frustration of what it’s like, the frustration for both myself and others who see me travel this road again, and again, and again.

It’s like I fall into a darkened room. There isn’t much light to see by and the room is filled with fear and panic. The only escape from the room is via a locked door. There is a bunch of keys in my hand with thousands of keys on the ring. I have to fumble in the dark trying each key in the lock, and with each key that fails to unlock the door then that increases the panic that I’ll never find the key which makes it feels darker and my hands begin to sweat and shake making it harder to grip each key and navigate it into the keyhole, and despair settles in. Then someone comes along with a torch and helps me find the right key and the door unlocks and I step back out of the fear again, with the realisation of the truth of the problem.

It is hard work. Maybe you face similar challenges. Hold onto hope wherever you are on the road. Yes I’m feeling chaotic and still feeling out of sorts but the pain has eased and there is confirmation of the problem. I am holding onto hope. Healing is a journey not a destination.

Phoenix