Tag: Mental Health
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Mysterious pains!
I had been slowly pottering around this quiet Sunday morning. Watering the plants. I put a couple of loads of washing on. Played with the cat. No out of the ordinary symptoms just the usual things. My ASDA delivery arrived just after 1pm. The delivery guy drags three crates up the 28 steps to my…
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Resting and planning.
It’s felt like a very long week. I had an unexpected second week of puppy sitting. Overnight on Monday I could feel my symptoms flaring in relation to whatever this autoimmune condition is. My body was screaming at me to slow down. I let my neighbour know that whilst I would still feed and take…
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Folding
Folding inside myself Folding away Away from the world I don’t trust the world I don’t trust me Don’t trust me Promises rusting Emotions turning To stone No moonbeams The stars Blinking out One by one I’ve been here before Falling Burning Turning to ash The rebirth Harder Each time I’m folding Into myself Folding…
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Be In The Moment
Be in the moment This moment now Not the last moment Or the future moment Be present in this moment With whatever this moment brings Be it Happiness Sadness Love Grief Pain Overwhelm Underwhelm Pride Guilt Shame Ecstasy Doubt Exhaustion Let every emotion Every reaction Every feeling Every sensation Have space to be In this…
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Gifts
Both my head and my body often feel like chaos. I have tinnitus and it’s been ongoing for about 5 years. Add to that the near constant chatter from other Alters, their thinking process and my own thinking process, silence is never a thing. Even if the chatter stops the high pitched whine in both…
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Fatigue
As I sit here listening to calming cat music on Spotify my body aches with the fatigue. The music isn’t for me, my cat seemed unusually frightened of the thunderstorm we just had. She hasn’t quite adjusted to the loss of my other cat. I don’t think either of us have. Plus my four days…
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Keep calm and carry on!
Yesterday’s fear after my ex neighbour knocking on the door whilst I was puppy sitting had thrown me. My alters paranoia shot through the roof and conspiracy theories were rife. People had seen taking me Peanut out. What if one of the other neighbours had contacted him? Maybe he thought that I wouldn’t be expecting…
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Nervous system re activated!
Last month one of my neighbours got a five month old dachshund. I went with her to pick him up. His previous owner only had him for two months but her young son was too boisterous with the tiny dog so she decided to rehome him. His name is Peanut and he is adorable. I…
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Monday success.
It’s been another relatively quiet day on the estate. When I got up this morning I had thought about contacting my broadband provider as I was still waiting for their letter so that I can contact the communications ombudsman. After going out to the vet and paying the rest of the recent bill off, I…
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Appreciating the day!
I’ll take more days like today! It’s been pretty quiet all day. Pain levels are manageable with no new random pains today. Is this my nervous system settling down? It’s been unusually quiet everywhere around me on the estate today. No screaming kids, very few barking dogs, long periods of silence. I like it! The…
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Tears of relief
Stillness Silence Bliss Shades of grey in the sky As clouds pass by. Breathe in deep Allow us to weep Stillness Silence Bliss Phoenix.
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Energy Shift
Little did I realise the massive negative impact my difficult neighbour was having on my life! It’s been four days since he fully left his property. The shift in energy in my home is incredible. The whole flat feels lighter. It’s like, it’s not just me breathing an immense sense of relief but the bricks…
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Quiet Sunday?
This is the second Sunday in a row where the day hasn’t gone to plan. Last Sunday I had the extreme pain in my calf and couldn’t bear weight on my left leg by the late afternoon. Today I wanted a quiet day of reflection. There is not a lot of quiet time at the…
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Unraveling
Thoughts & feelings, Like tangled string. The knots pulled tightly, Picking and tugging, Trying to unravel, All those, Thoughts and feelings. But only succeeding, In tying, Myself in knots! Phoenix.
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Enigma or miracle?
Every day there are symptoms. Last Friday I went with friends to an open day of a Big Cat Sanctuary. We had booked a couple of months ago. The problem with booking in advance is I never know how unwell I will feel day to day. I was excited about going, but apprehensive due to…
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Patterns
Patterns, patterns, Repeating patterns Over and over Round and Round The patterns go Patterns of old Same story retold Patterns of old Strong and bold Same pattern again Bringing the same Pain Phoenix
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Where’s the positives?
It’s been a stressful few weeks. It’s been eleven days since my cat died and the grief is still hitting hard. I made a memorial frame tonight. The vet made a copy of his footprints and took a clipping of his hair. He is greatly missed. I finally had my rheumatology appointment on the 23rd…
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Time Distortion
Time in the inner world and for alters seems so different to the supposed linear time on the outside. Time in the inner world is fractured, distorted, warped. In terms of grief and loss it’s a complication, especially with so many alters inside. Alters who are relatively aware of the here and now but pop…
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Grey Skies
The grey skies outside match my mood this morning. It’s been less than 24 hours since my beautiful cat Rocket died in my arms at the vets. He deteriorated overnight on Thursday, and I had to make the difficult decision to end his suffering. I am beyond heartbroken. He came to us at 6 weeks…
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The grief of being poor.
It’s been a rough few days. My male cat suffers from feline idiopathic cystitis. Last Friday night I noticed he was beginning to struggle to urinate. He has had around five episodes of this over the past year. Previously he has been to the vet twice and the other times I have managed his condition…
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How?
How do I hold onto hope? In the midst of hopelessness. How do I hold onto the light? When swirling in so much darkness. How do I believe we are all one? When humanity is so divided. How do I keep living? When it feels like death is around every corner. Diving deeper… With shallow…
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Medicinal Music
After a week of anticipation and trying to rehearse choir songs in 35 degrees heat, it may have been cooler trying to rehearse on the surface of Mars, I made it to my choir performance at the Cricket Ground last Sunday. There were 94 other choir members and apparently 6000 spectators. Our largest crowd yet?…
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Glitching
The tiredness Sits heavy In my body My mind In turmoil My heart Exploding The weight Sitting on My shoulders My chest My soul Another glitch In the Matrix Where Am I Now? Phoenix
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Gratitude to Water
The sun is high Hot hot hot. Stuck in traffic, Our journey extended by an hour. Sweating in a full body swimming costume. Am I allergic to the sun? My forehead is already blistering! Torn between going home, Or pressing on. Sunlight is good, Blisters are not! Damn whatever this is, Going on in my…
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(E)ddie (A)te (D)ynamite (G)ood (B)ye (E)ddie
I slip your strap around my neck My thigh nestles in your curve I pull the body of you into me My thumb rests on the back of your neck My fingers curl around your strings Plucking each one Listening for the right tuning Gentle turning of pegs A little tighter on this one A…
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Waiting to return to the Whole.
I come from the stars. Did I know what was before me? Did I know, did I know, When I put my hand up for this journey. There was a plan A plan? But I’ve no clue what it could be, I’m just riding the highs, And all the lows, On this journey, I have…
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Illusion or Delusion?
What is real? What is not? Is this all an illusion? Or simply a delusion? Touch it Feel it Is it true? What is true? That feeling Is it solid? If it slips through your fingers Was it ever really there? Is anything we see true? What are we really seeing? A trick of the…
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My Mask
My Mask It doesn’t scream When loudness overwhelms It’s doesn’t retaliate When my heart hurts It doesn’t slip When the pain is unbearable It doesn’t cry When I’m sobbing inside It doesn’t grimace When I feel overwhelmed My mask smiles Even when I’m exhausted My mask is invisible And therefore, So am I!
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Who Am I?
I am night and day I am the beginning and the end I am healing waters and the fires of hell I am peace and chaos I am rising and drowning I am the certainty and the doubt I am the laughter and the tears I am the pain and the pleasure I am the…
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The Future?
When I moved to a new city in June 2023, I believed life was on the up. Here I am two years and four months later crashing over and over like waves to the shore. I had plans. I joined a choir and made friends. I had invested in a piano tutor. I was…
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Dear Mum
Dear mum You would have been 85 today I wonder where you are now? I’ve just got out of bed, Thunder is crashing across the sky. Is that you in the rumbling? Are you listening to my pain now? I look out the window, A small soft white feather drifts past. The rain has arrived,…
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Choose Silence
The less I feel heard The more I shout to be heard The more I shout to be heard The angrier I become The angrier I become The more I am dismissed The more I am dismissed The more triggered I get The more triggered I get The more silent I become The more silent…
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The Storm Pitter patter slide Pitter patter slide The rain cascades faster down the windows Flashes so bright The lightening momentarily blinds me The rumbling thunder overhead shakes the sky, the earth, the building I feel the vibration of the roaring sky First deep in my chest Then it ripples out through my torso My…
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Worth?
Caught up in the 3D, I’m unable to see me. Look into my eyes, my eyes, My heart aches and cries. My truth fails to flow, Where does my voice go? My heart cracks a little more, Is my worth behind the next door? Musician, writer, poet, lover, My worth is still not uncovered. Mask…
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The Blank Page
I can talk and talk I can babble and gaggle Witter and blabber Drone and bore Yet I can’t find my voice I want to write my story The words fail to flow Create a language From the images in my head But the words Are jammed inside And left unsaid I sit before the…
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Happy New Year
Happy New Year to everyone. I thought I’d take the opportunity to reflect on 2023. I wanted to write this last night. Unfortunately, the noise of the fireworks did trigger me quite a lot. So here I am today in a better place. I’ll recognise that achievement first. I acknowledge that I was very triggered…
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Push and Pull
The busy thoughts of my ego and alters Can feel confusing and overwhelming Trying to untangle what is trauma And the reality of now I am safe I am loved But My mind screams What if you are not? I am safe I am loved I am enough But My mind screams What if you…
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Stopping
The value of stopping Is rarely appreciated In the chaotic world In which we live The value of the silence The stillness The gentle witnessing Of our thoughts Both in the Shadow and the light Of truly feeling Each emotion Both painful and joyous . Of letting ourselves be What we need to be For…
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The chaos of noise
I believe I have become more adept at negotiating the triggers of noise. My ears are highly sensitive. I still get upset and overwhelmed by extreme noise. It’s distressing because it hurts, and the overwhelming experience tends to affect my entire body not just my ears. I believe at the moment I have a virus.…
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Awakening
I am awakening Learning Unfurling Uncurling No more stasis No more numbness No more silencing Blocking Ignoring I am listening Feeling Seeing Witnessing The light was always poring in Now I am aware of it Now I am aware of me Aware of those inside Seeing them Feeling their pain Their tears wet on my…
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I Am
I am the light, I am tired, I am hurting, I am angry, I am sad, I am filled with all the words unsaid. I am drowning in the tears not yet shed. I am weighed down by my fears. I am exhausted by the pain. I am weary from manifestations of injuries past. I…
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Food As an Alien Concept
At the beginning of 2020 I developed a severe eating disorder. My eating disorder is due to childhood trauma. This has made getting outside professional help almost impossible. I sought help from my GP, mental health services, eating disorder services and at every point I was told I didn’t fit their boxes for help. I’m…
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Crowded
Wandering through the city streets A throng of strangers faces passing by Chatter and laughs loud voices fill the air Feeling invisible as I wend my way onward Like a salmon swimming upstream I am walking against the tide of bodies Zig zagging in and out of the crowd There’s a myriad of thoughts Stumbling…
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Moving home.
Six days ago I moved into a new home in a new city. I have been desperate to move from my old home. I was sad to leave it in some ways. There’s been major changes in myself in the sixteen years I spent there. I am happy to have moved. There has been quite…
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Courage
C Caring about myself O Opening my mind and my heart U Understanding my triggers R Respecting my needs A Accepting myself G Gentle encouragement E Evolving through my journey Self care can be a huge hurdle when our mental health is poor. Negative self talk, beating ourselves up when things aren’t going great, demanding…
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Stardust
I keep contemplating the fact the I seem constantly drawn to quantum physics and the universe seems to be pulling me in different directions. Stepping in and out of my inner wisdom and just doing my best at every turn. During a meditation this evening this poem came to me. We Are Made Of Stardust…
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Family?
I’m traversing through some difficult things at the moment. It’s almost midnight and I can’t sleep. Over the past couple of weeks I have noticed myself finding it difficult to listen to comedians or watch TV shows all extolling the ups and downs of family life. I’ve never felt I’ve really experienced family life and…
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Anger
The red mist is a swirling storm Piercing and stinging like a thousand thorns Sometimes it erupts and I’m not aware Just how wild it’s raging from all parts there Every spiritual notion is mocked and jeered Rational reasoning is hated and feared And me well I get tired of the ongoing fight Of trying…
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I Can Breathe
Are you aware of your breath Do you notice the rise and fall As you inhale then exhale For decades I was blinded By the depth of my trauma To the fact that I am not breathing Even medics where blind Treating me from infancy For Asthma For sleep apnea For chest infections They also…
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I am Free I am Love
From Dawn until Dusk I’m no longer a shell or a husk From Dusk until Dawn I’m no longer just their pawn In the light shining my own self Not waiting to be taken from the shelf In the dark I’m sovereign and divine No more waiting for hands that are unkind I am now…
Phoenix 