Tag: Mental Health
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Cloud gazing.
Light bouncing, Of white fluffy clouds. Shapes and symbols, Drifting on by. T-Rex head roaring, Angels with trumpets, Happy faces, Sad faces, Shifting emotions, As clouds, Pass and fade. My thoughts, Like the clouds, Bright, Dull, Shape shifting, Confused… Phoenix
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Choir energy.
It’s hard work going out in the evening. Choir is worth it though. My choir buddy and I are always the first on site. We set up the room before everyone arrives. We are both very grateful to have a new caretaker in the building. He is so thoughtful, he unfolds the chairs and put…
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Grounding.
I spent the day at my friend’s house in the countryside. I text her in Ireland to say that I had arrived to make sure everything was ok at her home. I sent her greetings from myself and Goaty McGoatFace who along with the other goat had once again escaped to the forbidden side of…
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Weekend thoughts.
It’s a new moon tonight. It’s been a reflective day. I feel I am making real progress with my music learning. I have two songs almost fully written, now I need to compose the music for them. That’s the intention I am setting tonight. It would be quiet but fireworks season is upon us. No…
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On the outer edge.
I feel like I exist on the edges of life. It’s not a bad thing, just an observation. Most of the time it’s just me, my cat, and my music. I have no family, no partner and no deep close friendships. I wrote in an earlier post about the spoons required to maintain connection, and…
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Cold comfort.
After the heatwaves of the summer months I’m so grateful for the drop in temperature. My flat finally dropped to 19 degrees last night. At the height of the heatwaves it was reaching 36/37 degrees. I had fans running constantly. I believe the heat contributed to my poor cat’s health condition and ultimately his death.…
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How? Why?
How am I still standing? Why am I still here? Death has come for me many times. Death a visitor in my life. Until the final visit. In my childhood, Died a thousand deaths . Breathing difficulties many times, I’m still here. Heart attack at 32, Still here. Suicide attempts, Still here. Doctors said at…
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Thursday night…phew
Why phew? Because there’s no commitments for the next two days! Possibly three days if I don’t sing with choir on Sunday. I hadn’t let myself step into the exhaustion of yesterday’s Dermatology appointment as I had to go to volunteering this morning. I don’t normally count the minutes until home time when I volunteer.…
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Diagnoses and waiting lists.
It’s been a day. My anxiety was running high for my upcoming Dermatology appointment today. I went to the GP surgery first as it’s in the same site as the hospital. The receptionist there confirmed it will take at least six months for my records to appear on the NHS app. I wandered over to…
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Singing through the blues.
We had a great choir session tonight. Such an incredible energy and just what I needed to ease my anxiety about tomorrow. I’m grateful that I’ll finally be seeing the dermatologist tomorrow. My scalp and forehead is so inflamed. My new lump is angrier and lumpier! I’m eager to get some assistance to get on…
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Not rested with rest!
So I had my four days of rest. I still don’t feel rested. I haven’t slept well at night. If it’s not my skin condition waking me up, it’s my cat. She has been waking me up throughout the night. It’s seems she is still really unsettled since losing my other cat. She has become…
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Was it worth it?
I’ve written before about my stresses with food. I try to be quite conscious of what food I purchase. I don’t like to waste food or let it spoil. Last week my volunteering buddy gave me some apples from her allotment. I graciously accepted them. They sat in the fruit bowl and I know that…
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Hibernating to recover.
I had already decided on Wednesday night that I would not be going out for four days. On Thursday my choir buddy asked me if I wanted to go somewhere this weekend and I declined. Today the hospital phoned to arrange an appointment for the ultrasound on my hands and wrists. She offered me an…
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The challenge of breathing.
Hmm breathing can definitely be a challenge. I was diagnosed with Asthma as a baby. Instead of growing out of it, I grew into it. My first admission to intensive care was when I was about 11 as far as I can remember. I spent my first 40 years on this planet in and out…
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Tension
My skin condition is flaring quite severely at the moment. Only seven days left until my dermatology appointment and it can’t come quick enough. I’m writing this from a candlelit bath. I had been attempting to play piano but couldn’t concentrate on my online lesson due to the burning sensation in my skin. I don’t…
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Breathe
I have recently been struggling to get up for my support worker arriving at 9am. This morning I was up and ready to go. I had gathered up the instruments that I was taking to my choir buddies home. I was grateful to be going out as the council lawnmowers had arrived at 8.30am and…
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Spoons
The spoon theory is something I refer to quite a lot. It’s used by people with chronic and hidden illnesses to explain the use of their energy. Healthy people wake up with an unlimited supply of spoons. Those of us who struggle with conditions every day have a limited amount of spoons. Every action requires…
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Time
Out of connection. Sand running Time stands still. Time runs on There’s another song The beat steady. But the rhythm, Rhythm chaotic. My lungs empty, Breathe, Breathe in. Can’t win Free falling. I wander, I roam, The stars calling, Calling me , Home. Phoenix
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Up and down.
I’m slowly recovering from whatever l had last week. I made it to choir last night and it was good to catch up with everyone and step into my helper role. I was very excited for a chance to play on the grand piano there. I learned 23 bars of Für Elise a few weeks…
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Noise!
I complain about noise…a LOT! My PTSD has meant a lifetime of super sensitive hearing. The first memory I have of feeling truly overwhelmed by noise was when I was about five years old. I was outside my grandmothers house on her brightly painted red step. A motorbike with a loud engine came roaring down…
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Performance performed!
I made it to the Whitstable Oyster Festival and performed with my choir. I managed to get up at 7am. Whilst getting ready I did question my decision several times. As I broke out in a sweat I checked my temperature, it was normal. Feeling the aches in the veins in my legs I wondered…
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To go or not to go?
I have improved a little more today. After much debate I have made arrangements to attend the performance tomorrow. I know how easy it is to stay in the midst of my symptoms. Although I have felt better today there are several issues in my body that seem to have flared up. I can choose…
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One tiny step at a time.
I’ve definitely had more brain power today. My temperature has returned to normal as has my heart rate. Unfortunately the sneezing and blocked sinuses remain. I noticed over the past few days that the bridge of my nose is swollen. I struggled to sleep due to congestion last night. I decided it was time to…
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Disappointment and fear.
I was so excited on Sunday. Our new choir song had came through for the new choir term that started last night. There’s always a buzz of excitement and anticipation waiting for the new song on a Sunday. Mostly it’s a hit with the majority and occasionally we breathe a collective sigh of disappointment. it’s…
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Sunsets and Mood swings
It’s been a relatively quiet week. It’s felt like a strange emotional rollercoaster. I notice I’m feeling quite antisocial recently. After performing with choir at a local festival two weeks ago, my choir buddy and I went to a seaside town afterwards. We went down to the cafe by the beach and settled into seats…
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Singing My Songs
Sad songs, deep songs, love songs Singing out my sorrow, Sing them all again tomorrow. Sing out my songs, Scream out my wrongs… The sky is falling in, Let the music play my sins. In my heart the thunder roars, My body always keeps the score. I ain’t going down without a fight. Through the…
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Arrgh Anxiety!
It was 46 days ago that my cat died. The grief is still raw. I’m trying to work with the anxiety I have with my remaining cat. I underestimated how much she would grieve for him. Before he died if anyone would have asked me if both my cats had a close relationship I would…
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Mysterious pains!
I had been slowly pottering around this quiet Sunday morning. Watering the plants. I put a couple of loads of washing on. Played with the cat. No out of the ordinary symptoms just the usual things. My ASDA delivery arrived just after 1pm. The delivery guy drags three crates up the 28 steps to my…
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Resting and planning.
It’s felt like a very long week. I had an unexpected second week of puppy sitting. Overnight on Monday I could feel my symptoms flaring in relation to whatever this autoimmune condition is. My body was screaming at me to slow down. I let my neighbour know that whilst I would still feed and take…
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Folding
Folding inside myself Folding away Away from the world I don’t trust the world I don’t trust me Don’t trust me Promises rusting Emotions turning To stone No moonbeams The stars Blinking out One by one I’ve been here before Falling Burning Turning to ash The rebirth Harder Each time I’m folding Into myself Folding…
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Be In The Moment
Be in the moment This moment now Not the last moment Or the future moment Be present in this moment With whatever this moment brings Be it Happiness Sadness Love Grief Pain Overwhelm Underwhelm Pride Guilt Shame Ecstasy Doubt Exhaustion Let every emotion Every reaction Every feeling Every sensation Have space to be In this…
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Gifts
Both my head and my body often feel like chaos. I have tinnitus and it’s been ongoing for about 5 years. Add to that the near constant chatter from other Alters, their thinking process and my own thinking process, silence is never a thing. Even if the chatter stops the high pitched whine in both…
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Fatigue
As I sit here listening to calming cat music on Spotify my body aches with the fatigue. The music isn’t for me, my cat seemed unusually frightened of the thunderstorm we just had. She hasn’t quite adjusted to the loss of my other cat. I don’t think either of us have. Plus my four days…
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Keep calm and carry on!
Yesterday’s fear after my ex neighbour knocking on the door whilst I was puppy sitting had thrown me. My alters paranoia shot through the roof and conspiracy theories were rife. People had seen taking me Peanut out. What if one of the other neighbours had contacted him? Maybe he thought that I wouldn’t be expecting…
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Nervous system re activated!
Last month one of my neighbours got a five month old dachshund. I went with her to pick him up. His previous owner only had him for two months but her young son was too boisterous with the tiny dog so she decided to rehome him. His name is Peanut and he is adorable. I…
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Monday success.
It’s been another relatively quiet day on the estate. When I got up this morning I had thought about contacting my broadband provider as I was still waiting for their letter so that I can contact the communications ombudsman. After going out to the vet and paying the rest of the recent bill off, I…
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Appreciating the day!
I’ll take more days like today! It’s been pretty quiet all day. Pain levels are manageable with no new random pains today. Is this my nervous system settling down? It’s been unusually quiet everywhere around me on the estate today. No screaming kids, very few barking dogs, long periods of silence. I like it! The…
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Tears of relief
Stillness Silence Bliss Shades of grey in the sky As clouds pass by. Breathe in deep Allow us to weep Stillness Silence Bliss Phoenix.
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Energy Shift
Little did I realise the massive negative impact my difficult neighbour was having on my life! It’s been four days since he fully left his property. The shift in energy in my home is incredible. The whole flat feels lighter. It’s like, it’s not just me breathing an immense sense of relief but the bricks…
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Quiet Sunday?
This is the second Sunday in a row where the day hasn’t gone to plan. Last Sunday I had the extreme pain in my calf and couldn’t bear weight on my left leg by the late afternoon. Today I wanted a quiet day of reflection. There is not a lot of quiet time at the…
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Unraveling
Thoughts & feelings, Like tangled string. The knots pulled tightly, Picking and tugging, Trying to unravel, All those, Thoughts and feelings. But only succeeding, In tying, Myself in knots! Phoenix.
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Enigma or miracle?
Every day there are symptoms. Last Friday I went with friends to an open day of a Big Cat Sanctuary. We had booked a couple of months ago. The problem with booking in advance is I never know how unwell I will feel day to day. I was excited about going, but apprehensive due to…
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Patterns
Patterns, patterns, Repeating patterns Over and over Round and Round The patterns go Patterns of old Same story retold Patterns of old Strong and bold Same pattern again Bringing the same Pain Phoenix
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Where’s the positives?
It’s been a stressful few weeks. It’s been eleven days since my cat died and the grief is still hitting hard. I made a memorial frame tonight. The vet made a copy of his footprints and took a clipping of his hair. He is greatly missed. I finally had my rheumatology appointment on the 23rd…
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Time Distortion
Time in the inner world and for alters seems so different to the supposed linear time on the outside. Time in the inner world is fractured, distorted, warped. In terms of grief and loss it’s a complication, especially with so many alters inside. Alters who are relatively aware of the here and now but pop…
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Grey Skies
The grey skies outside match my mood this morning. It’s been less than 24 hours since my beautiful cat Rocket died in my arms at the vets. He deteriorated overnight on Thursday, and I had to make the difficult decision to end his suffering. I am beyond heartbroken. He came to us at 6 weeks…
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The grief of being poor.
It’s been a rough few days. My male cat suffers from feline idiopathic cystitis. Last Friday night I noticed he was beginning to struggle to urinate. He has had around five episodes of this over the past year. Previously he has been to the vet twice and the other times I have managed his condition…
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How?
How do I hold onto hope? In the midst of hopelessness. How do I hold onto the light? When swirling in so much darkness. How do I believe we are all one? When humanity is so divided. How do I keep living? When it feels like death is around every corner. Diving deeper… With shallow…
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Medicinal Music
After a week of anticipation and trying to rehearse choir songs in 35 degrees heat, it may have been cooler trying to rehearse on the surface of Mars, I made it to my choir performance at the Cricket Ground last Sunday. There were 94 other choir members and apparently 6000 spectators. Our largest crowd yet?…
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Glitching
The tiredness Sits heavy In my body My mind In turmoil My heart Exploding The weight Sitting on My shoulders My chest My soul Another glitch In the Matrix Where Am I Now? Phoenix
