Phoenix Rising

I am feeling stronger, I am feeling possibly the strongest I have ever felt. Yes, I am still dissociating daily, sometimes hourly, sometimes even minute by minute! There does seem to be more cohesion between myself and many other alters though. I don’t lose time like I have done in the past, unless severely triggered or an alter is speaking to someone else and shuts me out.

It does make my head noisier. Less walls, less barriers the more I hear others inside. I also seem to feel their emotions more. This means when I’m tired or not quite with it, it can be exhausting trying to separate my thoughts and feelings from their thoughts and feelings. It’s something I work internally with, a lot.

Something I am also struggling with is feeling like an alien in the world. Sometimes it feels like I’ve been beamed down without solid instructions on how things are supposed to work. I know that part of this feeling is others inside. Those who are just coming back to the here and now from being stuck in their time between the 1980s and 1990s usually. I’ll look at my flat screen TV and marvel at its thinness, whilst hearing questions like where is the rest of it, yet there’s been flat screen TVs in my life for over 20 years. Sometimes I’ll feel mesmerised by my iPad or iPhone. How are these devices working without wires and other questions. I will be trying to complete a task like online shopping or banking, and I will get side tracked by all the things that look and feel unfamiliar in my surroundings.  Feeling like I’ve stepped into a sci-fi movie of the future. Except its not the future it is the here and now.

There are things that make me, Phoenix feel like an alien. I feel ignorant when it comes to food. I have said previously that I have an eating disorder. It had reached crisis point at the beginning of 2020. At first, I had thought that that was when it had started until I realised, I had been controlling my intake of food my whole life. 2020 was when it spiralled severely revealing truths previously hidden even from myself. I am in a much better place now. I realise though how little I know about food especially different kinds of food and preparing meals. It feels like I’ve come from a place where food and drink aren’t consumed and now, I must learn what it’s all about.

Often I find it difficult to get comfortable in my body. It’s like I’m not fitting in my skin properly. I get fidgety, can’t seem to sit right. Every position feels wrong, or ok for short periods then I have to move, restlessly once more.  My arms and legs are too short or too long. Or I feel outside of myself. A bit like if you’ve ever stepped off a moving bus, it feels like the rest of you has to catch up with your body?

Some days everything around me feels foreign and disconnected. I feel like a baby taking its first steps, learning with every step. Whilst it can feel interesting, sometimes exciting even. Other times it feels frustrating. At 46 years old I feel like developmentally I am behind other adults, even though I know I am not stupid, learn fast and can communicate quite well.

Maybe its not because I have DID maybe everyone feels like this?

Phoenix

Photo by Katie. Summer Shadows.