Phoenix Rising

A couple of weeks ago I attended my usual Tuesday night session of choir practice and for the first time since joining I found the courage to put my hand up to sing the solo for one of the songs. There is around 50 members in our choir and so this felt like an incredibly brave decision.

I joined the choir last year. A month after moving home I decided it was time to get myself out in the world a bit more. The city I have moved to was holding a festival with lots of different community groups promoting their wares. The one that caught my eye was a free workshop for a community choir. I thought why not? So, I decided to go along and give it a go.

That first step was a bold decision. Before moving home, I had isolated myself for nearly four years. Staying in the confines of the walls of my home and rarely leaving the house. It wasn’t that I wasn’t doing anything…I was healing.  I felt it was time to explore new adventures.

I have never been in a choir in my adult life. I had joined the choir in primary school, many years ago now! I have always found joy and solace in music. I have always had music with me. From my earliest days of trudging the streets of Belfast my Walkman never left my side. Even when I started working my discman was always with me for the journey there and back and if I needed some respite at breaktimes. I think listening to music helped me to survive. These days  I have my Bluetooth headphones with me at all times and Spotify on standby.

I held so much fear in the run up to that free workshop. Over the decades I have felt my voice and throat shutdown by trauma. My trauma is the root cause of my eating disorder. Its like my throat is a locked cage and that’s part of what made eating and drinking so difficult. Then there is breathing. You need to be able to breathe to sing. Breathing has also been problematic. Diagnosed with asthma from the time I was a baby and more hospital admissions than I can count to asthma wards and even intensive care at times. Then the discovery that my breathing problems are part of my trauma. My body isn’t sick, its reliving trauma through my lungs. That was a huge awakening in my healing journey.

Still, I worked with the fear and attended the workshop. Around 40 other people also attended it. I followed the guidance of the choir leader and didn’t shy away from using as much of my voice as I could. I fell in love with choir right there and then. I came home and signed up.

I have performed in three concerts since then and my confidence is growing each time. For the past month or so each time the choir leader has asked for a soloist to step up in rehearsals I have sat there nervously wanting to put my hand. Then I’d kick myself as my fear and anxiety ramped up and I’d shrink down in my seat as someone else would volunteer their voice.

So, what made me so confident a couple of weeks ago? Singing in my choir is safe! Yes, even rehearsing with people I’ve never met before. Even standing before an audience of two hundred people. Being part of choir is safe. It did take me a while to trust myself, to trust the environment of choir and to believe in my voice. I remember when I first joined, I could hardly hear my own voice in rehearsals and even when practicing at home, I would sing quietly. Now I join the live video feed on Monday night choir, and I belt out those tunes in my best Alto voice.  I have done a lot of inner work. I have sat with alters inside me who still don’t feel safe in the world, and who believe that using our voice represents a danger to our system. I sat with those parts, spoke to them, held them and reassured them. Still though on the Monday night before choir practice, I got into bed and couldn’t sleep. As I lay there I felt as though a vice was tightening around my neck. I kept repositioning my body trying to get comfortable. I’d had a difficult day of noisy neighbours, and I was exhausted. I assumed that I couldn’t sleep because the wealth of noise had my overwhelmed my system making us feel unsafe. If we’re feeling unsafe then sleep is much too dangerous. I was exhausted so didn’t fully explore what was going on my body. I just spent time reassuring my alters that we are safe everything is ok, and I eventually fell asleep sometime after 2am. I got up about 7am and although tired got on with my day. There was more noise disruption from my neighbours, then I had lunch in town before seeing my piano tutor in the afternoon. All the while practicing the seven lines of the solo in my head. I arrived early to choir in the evening. My first hurdle was the fact that it wasn’t our usual choir leader. Our usual leader is quite quirky. He likes to joke around a lot and can sometimes be quite hyper. His wife was leading us instead that night. She is a brilliant choir leader, and a professional singer so really knows her stuff. This though makes her more of a taskmaster and she will push us harder. Thankfully she is also kind and caring and I feel at ease with her. I had no idea if we were going to sing the particular song with the solo. After running through our warmups, the first song we rehearsed wasn’t the one. Then she asked what we did the previous week, and I found myself speaking up and saying we hadn’t rehearsed Gotta Be. She said right let’s start with that and who’s going to volunteer for the solo tonight. This is it. This my moment to be brave! My hand shot up into the air. The choir leader spotted me immediately and there were oohs and ahhs and clapping from my other choir members. Having spent a year with most of them I have made a few friends but have mostly been unnoticeable and quiet. Everyone was so supportive. My choir leader started to play the opening chords. My fear peaked and suddenly my mind was panicking where do I come in? I took a deep breath and trusted the choir leader would just follow my lead and adjust her playing if I got the timing wrong. I opened my mouth let the air drop into my abdomen and jumped off the cliff singing all 7 seven lines correctly. As I finished the opening verse many other members applauded and cheered as we all continued through the rest of the song. I was elated. Once we completed the first run through and the choir ironed out any problematic bits, the choir leader said let’s run through it again this time without stopping. We all stood up and the leader said Phoenix are you happy to do the solo again! So, I did I conquered my fear and sang proudly before not just my community of singers but also the community inside me. Proving to them that it is ok to stand tall, use our voice and shine our light in the world. We are safe we are loved; we are divine and sovereign.

Phoenix