Category: Dissociation
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Grounding.
I spent the day at my friend’s house in the countryside. I text her in Ireland to say that I had arrived to make sure everything was ok at her home. I sent her greetings from myself and Goaty McGoatFace who along with the other goat had once again escaped to the forbidden side of…
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Lone Wolf
Lone wolf mode was activated Now it’s the default setting Probably for the best Don’t share Don’t tell Hold myself Hold my system Ride the storms alone Howl at the moon In solitude Have questions Ask myself Decisions need making? Leave them to the lone wolf There is only the lone wolf To let the…
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How? Why?
How am I still standing? Why am I still here? Death has come for me many times. Death a visitor in my life. Until the final visit. In my childhood, Died a thousand deaths . Breathing difficulties many times, I’m still here. Heart attack at 32, Still here. Suicide attempts, Still here. Doctors said at…
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Thursday night…phew
Why phew? Because there’s no commitments for the next two days! Possibly three days if I don’t sing with choir on Sunday. I hadn’t let myself step into the exhaustion of yesterday’s Dermatology appointment as I had to go to volunteering this morning. I don’t normally count the minutes until home time when I volunteer.…
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Was it worth it?
I’ve written before about my stresses with food. I try to be quite conscious of what food I purchase. I don’t like to waste food or let it spoil. Last week my volunteering buddy gave me some apples from her allotment. I graciously accepted them. They sat in the fruit bowl and I know that…
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The challenge of breathing.
Hmm breathing can definitely be a challenge. I was diagnosed with Asthma as a baby. Instead of growing out of it, I grew into it. My first admission to intensive care was when I was about 11 as far as I can remember. I spent my first 40 years on this planet in and out…
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Tension
My skin condition is flaring quite severely at the moment. Only seven days left until my dermatology appointment and it can’t come quick enough. I’m writing this from a candlelit bath. I had been attempting to play piano but couldn’t concentrate on my online lesson due to the burning sensation in my skin. I don’t…
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Breathe
I have recently been struggling to get up for my support worker arriving at 9am. This morning I was up and ready to go. I had gathered up the instruments that I was taking to my choir buddies home. I was grateful to be going out as the council lawnmowers had arrived at 8.30am and…
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Time
Out of connection. Sand running Time stands still. Time runs on There’s another song The beat steady. But the rhythm, Rhythm chaotic. My lungs empty, Breathe, Breathe in. Can’t win Free falling. I wander, I roam, The stars calling, Calling me , Home. Phoenix
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Noise!
I complain about noise…a LOT! My PTSD has meant a lifetime of super sensitive hearing. The first memory I have of feeling truly overwhelmed by noise was when I was about five years old. I was outside my grandmothers house on her brightly painted red step. A motorbike with a loud engine came roaring down…
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Sunsets and Mood swings
It’s been a relatively quiet week. It’s felt like a strange emotional rollercoaster. I notice I’m feeling quite antisocial recently. After performing with choir at a local festival two weeks ago, my choir buddy and I went to a seaside town afterwards. We went down to the cafe by the beach and settled into seats…
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Singing My Songs
Sad songs, deep songs, love songs Singing out my sorrow, Sing them all again tomorrow. Sing out my songs, Scream out my wrongs… The sky is falling in, Let the music play my sins. In my heart the thunder roars, My body always keeps the score. I ain’t going down without a fight. Through the…
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Arrgh Anxiety!
It was 46 days ago that my cat died. The grief is still raw. I’m trying to work with the anxiety I have with my remaining cat. I underestimated how much she would grieve for him. Before he died if anyone would have asked me if both my cats had a close relationship I would…
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Mysterious pains!
I had been slowly pottering around this quiet Sunday morning. Watering the plants. I put a couple of loads of washing on. Played with the cat. No out of the ordinary symptoms just the usual things. My ASDA delivery arrived just after 1pm. The delivery guy drags three crates up the 28 steps to my…
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Resting and planning.
It’s felt like a very long week. I had an unexpected second week of puppy sitting. Overnight on Monday I could feel my symptoms flaring in relation to whatever this autoimmune condition is. My body was screaming at me to slow down. I let my neighbour know that whilst I would still feed and take…
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Folding
Folding inside myself Folding away Away from the world I don’t trust the world I don’t trust me Don’t trust me Promises rusting Emotions turning To stone No moonbeams The stars Blinking out One by one I’ve been here before Falling Burning Turning to ash The rebirth Harder Each time I’m folding Into myself Folding…
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Be In The Moment
Be in the moment This moment now Not the last moment Or the future moment Be present in this moment With whatever this moment brings Be it Happiness Sadness Love Grief Pain Overwhelm Underwhelm Pride Guilt Shame Ecstasy Doubt Exhaustion Let every emotion Every reaction Every feeling Every sensation Have space to be In this…
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Gifts
Both my head and my body often feel like chaos. I have tinnitus and it’s been ongoing for about 5 years. Add to that the near constant chatter from other Alters, their thinking process and my own thinking process, silence is never a thing. Even if the chatter stops the high pitched whine in both…
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Keep calm and carry on!
Yesterday’s fear after my ex neighbour knocking on the door whilst I was puppy sitting had thrown me. My alters paranoia shot through the roof and conspiracy theories were rife. People had seen taking me Peanut out. What if one of the other neighbours had contacted him? Maybe he thought that I wouldn’t be expecting…
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Nervous system re activated!
Last month one of my neighbours got a five month old dachshund. I went with her to pick him up. His previous owner only had him for two months but her young son was too boisterous with the tiny dog so she decided to rehome him. His name is Peanut and he is adorable. I…
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Appreciating the day!
I’ll take more days like today! It’s been pretty quiet all day. Pain levels are manageable with no new random pains today. Is this my nervous system settling down? It’s been unusually quiet everywhere around me on the estate today. No screaming kids, very few barking dogs, long periods of silence. I like it! The…
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Unraveling
Thoughts & feelings, Like tangled string. The knots pulled tightly, Picking and tugging, Trying to unravel, All those, Thoughts and feelings. But only succeeding, In tying, Myself in knots! Phoenix.
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Enigma or miracle?
Every day there are symptoms. Last Friday I went with friends to an open day of a Big Cat Sanctuary. We had booked a couple of months ago. The problem with booking in advance is I never know how unwell I will feel day to day. I was excited about going, but apprehensive due to…
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Patterns
Patterns, patterns, Repeating patterns Over and over Round and Round The patterns go Patterns of old Same story retold Patterns of old Strong and bold Same pattern again Bringing the same Pain Phoenix
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Time Distortion
Time in the inner world and for alters seems so different to the supposed linear time on the outside. Time in the inner world is fractured, distorted, warped. In terms of grief and loss it’s a complication, especially with so many alters inside. Alters who are relatively aware of the here and now but pop…
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Grey Skies
The grey skies outside match my mood this morning. It’s been less than 24 hours since my beautiful cat Rocket died in my arms at the vets. He deteriorated overnight on Thursday, and I had to make the difficult decision to end his suffering. I am beyond heartbroken. He came to us at 6 weeks…
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Glitching
The tiredness Sits heavy In my body My mind In turmoil My heart Exploding The weight Sitting on My shoulders My chest My soul Another glitch In the Matrix Where Am I Now? Phoenix
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Waiting to return to the Whole.
I come from the stars. Did I know what was before me? Did I know, did I know, When I put my hand up for this journey. There was a plan A plan? But I’ve no clue what it could be, I’m just riding the highs, And all the lows, On this journey, I have…
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Illusion or Delusion?
What is real? What is not? Is this all an illusion? Or simply a delusion? Touch it Feel it Is it true? What is true? That feeling Is it solid? If it slips through your fingers Was it ever really there? Is anything we see true? What are we really seeing? A trick of the…
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My Mask
My Mask It doesn’t scream When loudness overwhelms It’s doesn’t retaliate When my heart hurts It doesn’t slip When the pain is unbearable It doesn’t cry When I’m sobbing inside It doesn’t grimace When I feel overwhelmed My mask smiles Even when I’m exhausted My mask is invisible And therefore, So am I!
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Who Am I?
I am night and day I am the beginning and the end I am healing waters and the fires of hell I am peace and chaos I am rising and drowning I am the certainty and the doubt I am the laughter and the tears I am the pain and the pleasure I am the…
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Worth?
Caught up in the 3D, I’m unable to see me. Look into my eyes, my eyes, My heart aches and cries. My truth fails to flow, Where does my voice go? My heart cracks a little more, Is my worth behind the next door? Musician, writer, poet, lover, My worth is still not uncovered. Mask…
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Finding my voice.
A couple of weeks ago I attended my usual Tuesday night session of choir practice and for the first time since joining I found the courage to put my hand up to sing the solo for one of the songs. There is around 50 members in our choir and so this felt like an incredibly…
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The Blank Page
I can talk and talk I can babble and gaggle Witter and blabber Drone and bore Yet I can’t find my voice I want to write my story The words fail to flow Create a language From the images in my head But the words Are jammed inside And left unsaid I sit before the…
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Happy New Year
Happy New Year to everyone. I thought I’d take the opportunity to reflect on 2023. I wanted to write this last night. Unfortunately, the noise of the fireworks did trigger me quite a lot. So here I am today in a better place. I’ll recognise that achievement first. I acknowledge that I was very triggered…
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Push and Pull
The busy thoughts of my ego and alters Can feel confusing and overwhelming Trying to untangle what is trauma And the reality of now I am safe I am loved But My mind screams What if you are not? I am safe I am loved I am enough But My mind screams What if you…
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Stopping
The value of stopping Is rarely appreciated In the chaotic world In which we live The value of the silence The stillness The gentle witnessing Of our thoughts Both in the Shadow and the light Of truly feeling Each emotion Both painful and joyous . Of letting ourselves be What we need to be For…
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The chaos of noise
I believe I have become more adept at negotiating the triggers of noise. My ears are highly sensitive. I still get upset and overwhelmed by extreme noise. It’s distressing because it hurts, and the overwhelming experience tends to affect my entire body not just my ears. I believe at the moment I have a virus.…
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Awakening
I am awakening Learning Unfurling Uncurling No more stasis No more numbness No more silencing Blocking Ignoring I am listening Feeling Seeing Witnessing The light was always poring in Now I am aware of it Now I am aware of me Aware of those inside Seeing them Feeling their pain Their tears wet on my…
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I Am
I am the light, I am tired, I am hurting, I am angry, I am sad, I am filled with all the words unsaid. I am drowning in the tears not yet shed. I am weighed down by my fears. I am exhausted by the pain. I am weary from manifestations of injuries past. I…
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Food As an Alien Concept
At the beginning of 2020 I developed a severe eating disorder. My eating disorder is due to childhood trauma. This has made getting outside professional help almost impossible. I sought help from my GP, mental health services, eating disorder services and at every point I was told I didn’t fit their boxes for help. I’m…
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Moving home.
Six days ago I moved into a new home in a new city. I have been desperate to move from my old home. I was sad to leave it in some ways. There’s been major changes in myself in the sixteen years I spent there. I am happy to have moved. There has been quite…
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Courage
C Caring about myself O Opening my mind and my heart U Understanding my triggers R Respecting my needs A Accepting myself G Gentle encouragement E Evolving through my journey Self care can be a huge hurdle when our mental health is poor. Negative self talk, beating ourselves up when things aren’t going great, demanding…
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Stardust
I keep contemplating the fact the I seem constantly drawn to quantum physics and the universe seems to be pulling me in different directions. Stepping in and out of my inner wisdom and just doing my best at every turn. During a meditation this evening this poem came to me. We Are Made Of Stardust…
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Family?
I’m traversing through some difficult things at the moment. It’s almost midnight and I can’t sleep. Over the past couple of weeks I have noticed myself finding it difficult to listen to comedians or watch TV shows all extolling the ups and downs of family life. I’ve never felt I’ve really experienced family life and…
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Anger
The red mist is a swirling storm Piercing and stinging like a thousand thorns Sometimes it erupts and I’m not aware Just how wild it’s raging from all parts there Every spiritual notion is mocked and jeered Rational reasoning is hated and feared And me well I get tired of the ongoing fight Of trying…
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I Can Breathe
Are you aware of your breath Do you notice the rise and fall As you inhale then exhale For decades I was blinded By the depth of my trauma To the fact that I am not breathing Even medics where blind Treating me from infancy For Asthma For sleep apnea For chest infections They also…
