Phoenix Rising

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything. Life has been a bit of a rollercoaster over the past few months, but things have settled down for the moment. As I continue on my healing journey feelings ebb and flow constantly. New alters are still coming forward with their experiences and pain. This quite often translates into physical problems too. A couple of months ago I developed a painful left shoulder which ended up with my shoulder being Immobile for about a month. No matter how many times I go through this I still have a long period of denial and confusion about physical symptoms, before allowing myself to realise that what I’m experiencing is related to past trauma. Maybe one day I’ll fully understand the process? Having navigated the shoulder problem it’s now feeling so much better but I’ve moved into feeling constantly fatigued and sleepy and again it’s related to past trauma. I’m doing my best to help myself and my system work through this. As fatigued as I am, I’m finding it difficult to sleep at night adding to the tiredness during the day. The more I continue to heal the more I awaken to my truth and this is leading to a lot of grief to process. So at 1.30am the other night, my body too restless and my head spilling over with thoughts this piece below was the result.

 

My heart grieves for things that never existed

There is no me before trauma

I never got that chance

Why do I grieve for that

I am grieving the childhood spent in fear

Grieving the education lost when I was young

Grieving relationships never formed

As I hid myself from a world that felt unsafe

Lamenting the family unit I never had

Now I’m older and wiser and safer

Why am I grieving

Maybe because I am wiser and older and safer

There is space to grieve now

The world is at my feet

I can learn whatever I want

I can forge my own path

I can heal and grow and spread my wings

I can shine my light

Give hope to others

Yet

Here I am

Quietly grieving

For all the things

That never where

It’s hard to be learning this late in life

It’s hard to be sovereign when you don’t meet societal norms and expectations.

The questioning looks.

Why am I not educated

Why don’t I have a career

Why am I sensitive to sounds and smells and tastes

Why do I get that far away look and stare into space.

Yet here I am stepping into the world carrying with me more Alters than I can count all with their owns needs, wants, fears and grief.

It not just my heart that grieves it’s also her heart and his heart and their hearts inside along with my heart.

The more we all awaken the more grief unfolds.

As we heal ourselves, each other and hopefully the world.

Phoenix

Photo taken by Katie during winter 2021. Icicles formed during the night on the bird feeder in the garden.