Phoenix Rising

At the beginning of 2020 I developed a severe eating disorder. My eating disorder is due to childhood trauma. This has made getting outside professional help almost impossible. I sought help from my GP, mental health services, eating disorder services and at every point I was told I didn’t fit their boxes for help. I’m not anorexic, I’m not bulimic. I struggle to eat and drink due to trauma. Again and again, I was told that my eating problem was too complex! I find this astonishing. In a world full of abuse survivors why isn’t there recognition of dysregulated eating due trauma? Why do I have to fit into a box to receive help?

At the height of my eating disorder, I would go five days or more without eating, I would only drink minimally in that time. I lost 10 stone in around 11 months. At the end of 2019 I was over 21 stone. My huge weight wasn’t down to overeating. I had ballooned over the last twenty years on an excess of steroids for asthma and rheumatoid arthritis and different antipsychotic drugs through that time.

I realised on my journey through the eating difficulties that I had spent my whole life struggling with food. It was only now that it had reached crisis point, I could see the truth in that. I looked back at the times I found excuses not to eat my meals, to avoid social situations involving food. Suddenly the jigsaw pieces were falling into place.

Early in 2021 I came to an agreement with my GP that I would try to have at least one nutrition drink a day to maintain my nutritional needs. I stuck to this as best I could and slowly things began to improve as I worked with the other parts inside me who struggle so deeply with even the mere thought of having to swallow food or drink. It has been and continues to be a very difficult journey.

Now at the end of July 2023 food still stresses me out. There are parts in me who don’t want to swallow. For me Phoenix I like food. Over the past year I have experienced new foods, new tastes and I’ve enjoyed that.

As much as I find that I enjoy food I also find it deeply troubling. I really feel like an alien in many ways. I feel like I’ve beamed down from a planet where food and drink aren’t necessary, and food and drink here feels strange and completely unfamiliar. I don’t have confidence with food or food preparation. It frightens me. I find it hard to know what to do with ingredients. I watch people eating when I’m out and it looks strange. Like their eating process goes into slow motion. Raising food to their mouths, biting down, chewing and then swallowing feels like the oddest concept to me. Although I go to the supermarket regularly, I look at all the foods in wonder and amazement filled almost with a sense of awe. Rows and rows and aisles and aisles and shelves and shelves of different kinds of food in colourful packaging and it feels overwhelming. Sometimes when I’m tired or having a difficult day a trip to the supermarket can feel stressful and anxiety inducing. Sometimes I hold an object of food in my hand, and I feel like an astronaut that has landed on an alien planet. Picking up strange objects on the surface and trying to figure out how it fits into the environment around them.

I must be incredibly conscious of always nourishing my body with food and drink. One of the most difficult periods at the height of my eating disorder was around November time 2020. At this point I lost any sense of hunger. Things are easier when your body reminds you its hungry. I still have this issue now. The only time I seem to experience hunger is when I spend time with my partner. I think because I enjoy sharing the experience of food with her my body then begins to feel hungry. When I am at home I can go for hours and hours without thinking about food or drink and so must be extremely conscious to make sure I drink plenty to hydrate my body and to make space for meals. There are still many moments especially on more difficult days and when those within me who still struggle with eating, when I feel that life would be much simpler if I didn’t have to navigate food.

I have hope though. I have the motivation to continue to enjoy food. I have the will to learn how to cook new and exciting things and experience the food the world has on offer. I have hope that those parts within me who would rather have our mouth sown shut and lock our throat down forever will find the healing that they need and deserve. I will continue to work hard by their side and guide them in that healing. I have hope.

Phoenix