Phoenix

I’m not the most confident person. I walk a good walk and talk a good talk when I have too.

When stepping into my helper role at choir I’m jolly and friendly as I greet everyone arriving. I’m competent at signing in new people. I am conscientious in making sure new people are welcomed and buddied up with an experienced member in their section. I wear the confidence mask well.

I was volunteering this morning. Our boss wasn’t there again. There was just three of us. I like it as we don’t need someone in charge. My volunteering buddy and I are on the same wavelength. We both know that we can just get on with tasks as they arise. I filled the kettle and plated up the biscuits and then sat down to check in with a couple of residents who had arrived early.

I was aware that I was watching myself from a distance. I won’t try to explain that statement as it defies logic. I was on the other side of the room behind the residents I was conversing with. I watched myself confidently check in with their needs. I watched myself glancing sideways at the third member of our team, making sure she was ok as sometimes she struggles. I watched myself looking out for other residents arriving. I saw how relaxed and sure of myself I was sitting in the chair. I would say that I wore the mask well again but that wouldn’t be quite true?

I was watching another alter take the lead. I was watching an alter who knew what a difficult nights sleep the body had. How hard it was to be up and ready and out the door for 8.50am! An alter who can detach from the pain and discomfort raging in my body.

How can we be both functioning in the moment and watching ourselves from the outside? That’s the power and miracle of dissociation

I didn’t spend the entire two hours watching myself. It did happen once more. Half an hour before leaving I made a home visit to someone who hadn’t attended. I had been told they had a fall a week ago and were unwell. As I sat on their sofa listening to them I found myself once again observing myself from a distance.

Dissociation can be a superpower at times.

It’s definitely me at the front right now though cuddling my cat and soothing her through the fireworks noise.

Phoenix