Tag: thoughts
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Cloud gazing.
Light bouncing, Of white fluffy clouds. Shapes and symbols, Drifting on by. T-Rex head roaring, Angels with trumpets, Happy faces, Sad faces, Shifting emotions, As clouds, Pass and fade. My thoughts, Like the clouds, Bright, Dull, Shape shifting, Confused… Phoenix
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Choir energy.
It’s hard work going out in the evening. Choir is worth it though. My choir buddy and I are always the first on site. We set up the room before everyone arrives. We are both very grateful to have a new caretaker in the building. He is so thoughtful, he unfolds the chairs and put…
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Grounding.
I spent the day at my friend’s house in the countryside. I text her in Ireland to say that I had arrived to make sure everything was ok at her home. I sent her greetings from myself and Goaty McGoatFace who along with the other goat had once again escaped to the forbidden side of…
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Love?
In a world full of trauma, What is love? I thought love, Was the answer? I thought love, Was the cure. I thought wrong So, What is love, If love isn’t enough?
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Weekend thoughts.
It’s a new moon tonight. It’s been a reflective day. I feel I am making real progress with my music learning. I have two songs almost fully written, now I need to compose the music for them. That’s the intention I am setting tonight. It would be quiet but fireworks season is upon us. No…
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On the outer edge.
I feel like I exist on the edges of life. It’s not a bad thing, just an observation. Most of the time it’s just me, my cat, and my music. I have no family, no partner and no deep close friendships. I wrote in an earlier post about the spoons required to maintain connection, and…
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Cold comfort.
After the heatwaves of the summer months I’m so grateful for the drop in temperature. My flat finally dropped to 19 degrees last night. At the height of the heatwaves it was reaching 36/37 degrees. I had fans running constantly. I believe the heat contributed to my poor cat’s health condition and ultimately his death.…
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Stark contrasts with noise!
Yep here I am whinging on about noise…again! There will be a flip side though. I’ve been living with tinnitus for several years now. I had become used to it. Over the last couple of days the sound has changed in my right ear. It started with a numbness around my right jaw just in…
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Sleep do not forsake me.
I went to bed at a decent time on Sunday night. Then I tossed and turned. I dozed off, my bladder woke me up almost instantly. The steroid cream stung. I climbed back under the duvet and tossed and turned. I got up again and went to the lounge to get my book. I thought…
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Lone Wolf
Lone wolf mode was activated Now it’s the default setting Probably for the best Don’t share Don’t tell Hold myself Hold my system Ride the storms alone Howl at the moon In solitude Have questions Ask myself Decisions need making? Leave them to the lone wolf There is only the lone wolf To let the…
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Weekend strangeness?
I’ve spent the weekend at home. I text my choir buddy yesterday morning to see if she was up for singing at a food festival today. When she replied last night that she felt unable to go due to her nerve pain I breathed a sigh of relief. I had really wanted to go, but…
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Peace lines and divisions.
I’m going to stick my head above the parapet with this post. This a vent against violence and dangerous decisions. I grew up in Belfast. My very young years I lived on a council estate in North Belfast. My grandmother lived just down the road. Two streets away from her was a the peace line.…
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How? Why?
How am I still standing? Why am I still here? Death has come for me many times. Death a visitor in my life. Until the final visit. In my childhood, Died a thousand deaths . Breathing difficulties many times, I’m still here. Heart attack at 32, Still here. Suicide attempts, Still here. Doctors said at…
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Thursday night…phew
Why phew? Because there’s no commitments for the next two days! Possibly three days if I don’t sing with choir on Sunday. I hadn’t let myself step into the exhaustion of yesterday’s Dermatology appointment as I had to go to volunteering this morning. I don’t normally count the minutes until home time when I volunteer.…
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Diagnoses and waiting lists.
It’s been a day. My anxiety was running high for my upcoming Dermatology appointment today. I went to the GP surgery first as it’s in the same site as the hospital. The receptionist there confirmed it will take at least six months for my records to appear on the NHS app. I wandered over to…
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Singing through the blues.
We had a great choir session tonight. Such an incredible energy and just what I needed to ease my anxiety about tomorrow. I’m grateful that I’ll finally be seeing the dermatologist tomorrow. My scalp and forehead is so inflamed. My new lump is angrier and lumpier! I’m eager to get some assistance to get on…
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Not rested with rest!
So I had my four days of rest. I still don’t feel rested. I haven’t slept well at night. If it’s not my skin condition waking me up, it’s my cat. She has been waking me up throughout the night. It’s seems she is still really unsettled since losing my other cat. She has become…
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Was it worth it?
I’ve written before about my stresses with food. I try to be quite conscious of what food I purchase. I don’t like to waste food or let it spoil. Last week my volunteering buddy gave me some apples from her allotment. I graciously accepted them. They sat in the fruit bowl and I know that…
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Secrets.
Words and memories run through my mind, They don’t erode with the passing of time. The secrets I hold and must never say, Remain in my heart night and day. Don’t hold them close nor so tight, Feelings don’t let go without a fight. Wrap them gently and store them in a box, Seal it…
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Hibernating to recover.
I had already decided on Wednesday night that I would not be going out for four days. On Thursday my choir buddy asked me if I wanted to go somewhere this weekend and I declined. Today the hospital phoned to arrange an appointment for the ultrasound on my hands and wrists. She offered me an…
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The challenge of breathing.
Hmm breathing can definitely be a challenge. I was diagnosed with Asthma as a baby. Instead of growing out of it, I grew into it. My first admission to intensive care was when I was about 11 as far as I can remember. I spent my first 40 years on this planet in and out…
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Tension
My skin condition is flaring quite severely at the moment. Only seven days left until my dermatology appointment and it can’t come quick enough. I’m writing this from a candlelit bath. I had been attempting to play piano but couldn’t concentrate on my online lesson due to the burning sensation in my skin. I don’t…
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Breathe
I have recently been struggling to get up for my support worker arriving at 9am. This morning I was up and ready to go. I had gathered up the instruments that I was taking to my choir buddies home. I was grateful to be going out as the council lawnmowers had arrived at 8.30am and…
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Slow Sunday
A slow day. My mum would have been 86 years old today had she not died four years ago. I wonder if she reincarnated or was this her last journey to earth? I didn’t roll out of bed until after 9am. I’ve had a slow day. A couple of household chores. Playing my instruments for…
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Spoons
The spoon theory is something I refer to quite a lot. It’s used by people with chronic and hidden illnesses to explain the use of their energy. Healthy people wake up with an unlimited supply of spoons. Those of us who struggle with conditions every day have a limited amount of spoons. Every action requires…
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Time
Out of connection. Sand running Time stands still. Time runs on There’s another song The beat steady. But the rhythm, Rhythm chaotic. My lungs empty, Breathe, Breathe in. Can’t win Free falling. I wander, I roam, The stars calling, Calling me , Home. Phoenix
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Up and down.
I’m slowly recovering from whatever l had last week. I made it to choir last night and it was good to catch up with everyone and step into my helper role. I was very excited for a chance to play on the grand piano there. I learned 23 bars of Für Elise a few weeks…
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Noise!
I complain about noise…a LOT! My PTSD has meant a lifetime of super sensitive hearing. The first memory I have of feeling truly overwhelmed by noise was when I was about five years old. I was outside my grandmothers house on her brightly painted red step. A motorbike with a loud engine came roaring down…
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Performance performed!
I made it to the Whitstable Oyster Festival and performed with my choir. I managed to get up at 7am. Whilst getting ready I did question my decision several times. As I broke out in a sweat I checked my temperature, it was normal. Feeling the aches in the veins in my legs I wondered…
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To go or not to go?
I have improved a little more today. After much debate I have made arrangements to attend the performance tomorrow. I know how easy it is to stay in the midst of my symptoms. Although I have felt better today there are several issues in my body that seem to have flared up. I can choose…
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One tiny step at a time.
I’ve definitely had more brain power today. My temperature has returned to normal as has my heart rate. Unfortunately the sneezing and blocked sinuses remain. I noticed over the past few days that the bridge of my nose is swollen. I struggled to sleep due to congestion last night. I decided it was time to…
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Confusion?
What is this? On Tuesday I was convinced I was coming down with the flu. This isn’t the flu! This is the same pattern that has been plaguing me for the last two years. Is this an autoimmune flare up? Is this how things are going to look like for the rest of my life?…
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Disappointment and fear.
I was so excited on Sunday. Our new choir song had came through for the new choir term that started last night. There’s always a buzz of excitement and anticipation waiting for the new song on a Sunday. Mostly it’s a hit with the majority and occasionally we breathe a collective sigh of disappointment. it’s…
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Sunsets and Mood swings
It’s been a relatively quiet week. It’s felt like a strange emotional rollercoaster. I notice I’m feeling quite antisocial recently. After performing with choir at a local festival two weeks ago, my choir buddy and I went to a seaside town afterwards. We went down to the cafe by the beach and settled into seats…
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Singing My Songs
Sad songs, deep songs, love songs Singing out my sorrow, Sing them all again tomorrow. Sing out my songs, Scream out my wrongs… The sky is falling in, Let the music play my sins. In my heart the thunder roars, My body always keeps the score. I ain’t going down without a fight. Through the…
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Arrgh Anxiety!
It was 46 days ago that my cat died. The grief is still raw. I’m trying to work with the anxiety I have with my remaining cat. I underestimated how much she would grieve for him. Before he died if anyone would have asked me if both my cats had a close relationship I would…
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Mysterious pains!
I had been slowly pottering around this quiet Sunday morning. Watering the plants. I put a couple of loads of washing on. Played with the cat. No out of the ordinary symptoms just the usual things. My ASDA delivery arrived just after 1pm. The delivery guy drags three crates up the 28 steps to my…
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Resting and planning.
It’s felt like a very long week. I had an unexpected second week of puppy sitting. Overnight on Monday I could feel my symptoms flaring in relation to whatever this autoimmune condition is. My body was screaming at me to slow down. I let my neighbour know that whilst I would still feed and take…
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Folding
Folding inside myself Folding away Away from the world I don’t trust the world I don’t trust me Don’t trust me Promises rusting Emotions turning To stone No moonbeams The stars Blinking out One by one I’ve been here before Falling Burning Turning to ash The rebirth Harder Each time I’m folding Into myself Folding…
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Be In The Moment
Be in the moment This moment now Not the last moment Or the future moment Be present in this moment With whatever this moment brings Be it Happiness Sadness Love Grief Pain Overwhelm Underwhelm Pride Guilt Shame Ecstasy Doubt Exhaustion Let every emotion Every reaction Every feeling Every sensation Have space to be In this…
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Gifts
Both my head and my body often feel like chaos. I have tinnitus and it’s been ongoing for about 5 years. Add to that the near constant chatter from other Alters, their thinking process and my own thinking process, silence is never a thing. Even if the chatter stops the high pitched whine in both…
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Fatigue
As I sit here listening to calming cat music on Spotify my body aches with the fatigue. The music isn’t for me, my cat seemed unusually frightened of the thunderstorm we just had. She hasn’t quite adjusted to the loss of my other cat. I don’t think either of us have. Plus my four days…
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Keep calm and carry on!
Yesterday’s fear after my ex neighbour knocking on the door whilst I was puppy sitting had thrown me. My alters paranoia shot through the roof and conspiracy theories were rife. People had seen taking me Peanut out. What if one of the other neighbours had contacted him? Maybe he thought that I wouldn’t be expecting…
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Nervous system re activated!
Last month one of my neighbours got a five month old dachshund. I went with her to pick him up. His previous owner only had him for two months but her young son was too boisterous with the tiny dog so she decided to rehome him. His name is Peanut and he is adorable. I…
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Monday success.
It’s been another relatively quiet day on the estate. When I got up this morning I had thought about contacting my broadband provider as I was still waiting for their letter so that I can contact the communications ombudsman. After going out to the vet and paying the rest of the recent bill off, I…
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Appreciating the day!
I’ll take more days like today! It’s been pretty quiet all day. Pain levels are manageable with no new random pains today. Is this my nervous system settling down? It’s been unusually quiet everywhere around me on the estate today. No screaming kids, very few barking dogs, long periods of silence. I like it! The…
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Tears of relief
Stillness Silence Bliss Shades of grey in the sky As clouds pass by. Breathe in deep Allow us to weep Stillness Silence Bliss Phoenix.
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Energy Shift
Little did I realise the massive negative impact my difficult neighbour was having on my life! It’s been four days since he fully left his property. The shift in energy in my home is incredible. The whole flat feels lighter. It’s like, it’s not just me breathing an immense sense of relief but the bricks…
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Consumer rights?
With the confirmed departure of my difficult neighbour, I feel like I have a bit more breathing space. He hasn’t gone far and so I’m still on alert due to his parting abuse and threats against my home. Still the energy feels better and it has made me a little lighter. I have had ongoing…
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Quiet Sunday?
This is the second Sunday in a row where the day hasn’t gone to plan. Last Sunday I had the extreme pain in my calf and couldn’t bear weight on my left leg by the late afternoon. Today I wanted a quiet day of reflection. There is not a lot of quiet time at the…
