Phoenix

It was 46 days ago that my cat died. The grief is still raw. I’m trying to work with the anxiety I have with my remaining cat. I underestimated how much she would grieve for him. Before he died if anyone would have asked me if both my cats had a close relationship I would have said no. I was wrong.

When Rocket was maybe around a year and half, Neesha came into his life. We were living in my previous home. Rocket would keep to the gardens at the rear of the property. My neighbour had four cats who had their territory marked and they were making sure Rocket knew he wasn’t welcome. I looked out the kitchen window one day to see him playfully chasing and being chased by a younger black and white cat. My heart leaped, my boy has a feline friend.

She disappeared for a while twice and I realised that her previous owner had let her get pregnant both times and then sold the kittens. There was some issue after the second litter and so then her owner at the time had her spayed. She had also kept one of her kittens. Neesha didn’t get on with her kitten.

She began coming into my bungalow, through Rockets cat flap. She was very traumatised. I couldn’t even look at her without her hissing and growling at me. I wouldn’t feed her. I’d just give her space and mostly she would leave on her own. I told her owner that Neesha was coming into my home and told her I had no intention of taking her cat so if she wanted to come and get her when she was missing from home, she would know where to find her.

The first time my neighbour turned up with a cat carrier to collect her cat, Neesha put up a struggle but eventually went in the carrier. The second time my neighbour turned up drunk. She came in and grabbed Neesha by the scruff of her neck and rammed her in the carrier. I felt so helpless. She wasn’t my cat I didn’t have any legal right to stop her. I explained to her that she needed to keep Neesha in her house for while and rebuild a relationship with her. 7.30am the next morning Neesha had made her way back through my cat flap. I contacted my neighbour and let her know. Her response was that Neesha is a vicious Bitch and had attacked her in the night. She said she was rehoming her if I didn’t take her in. I was volunteering at a cattery at the time. I know how the system works. Everywhere was overflowing with abandoned cats and I knew nowhere would accept her while she has a roof over her head. So I took a deep breath and said I would take her. I immediately had her microchipped in my name.

We very slowly built a strong trusting relationship. It was hard work. She would sit up the other end of the sofa. I still couldn’t stroke her or even look at her sometimes, but with time she has accepted the love and safety I’ve provided her and she is the most loving girl now.

Rocket loved playing with her outside but he wasn’t too impressed at her moving in with us!

A year later we moved home. Moving from a bungalow to a third floor flat. There is no safe way to let them in and out here, so they became house cats. Neesha had apparently been a house cat previously with my neighbours son. She thrived when we moved here. In the old property, she would get in fights outside and her son was still living a few doors down. He would attempt to get through the cat flap and Neesha would scream the place down. She had lost all the fur on her belly and legs up her tail. Within months of moving here her nervous system had completely calmed down and all her fur had grown back.

Rocket found the move very stressful. I had put an armchair by my bed as in my old home that’s where he would hide during any loud bangs like thunder or fireworks. For the first six months he practically lived under that chair. I placed his food and water a couple of feet away from the chair and he had his own litter tray in my bedroom. He hated the banging doors from other flats around us and the slamming of the main door downstairs. Even footsteps in the stairwell would send him running to hide.

Neesha was a blessing. I could see he was learning to take his cues from her. She’s contented and relaxed. Slowly he started finding confidence and I do believe that Neesha helped him.

They rarely slept in the same space. She would chase him often. Even though he was a large cat and weighed about two and half kilos more than her, she would bowl him over, upside down! I would intervene if I thought things were getting rough. He never fought her. He would just extract himself and run away. There were times when he’d provoke her into chasing him which always made me smile. Sometimes she would just watch him sitting in the cat tower chittering at the birds on the balcony. I hadn’t realised how much of her time and attention he took up and I see now how much she’s missing him.

I’m trying not to get over anxious. Neesha has been out of sorts for a couple of weeks. She’s vomited a few times and had an upset stomach yesterday. I see my fear rising, I’m scared of losing her too.

I have to keep reminding myself that she is eating and drinking and going to the toilet, and even playing. I keep assessing what is my fear and my projection and what is the reality of how she is? It’s bloody hard work. Throw in alters and who are deeply upset at losing Rocket and it becomes even more difficult.

As I finish writing this, Neesha has climbed on my knee for a cuddle. I’ll take this opportunity to be in the moment with her cuddles and purrs.

Phoenix