Tag: writing
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Mysterious pains!
I had been slowly pottering around this quiet Sunday morning. Watering the plants. I put a couple of loads of washing on. Played with the cat. No out of the ordinary symptoms just the usual things. My ASDA delivery arrived just after 1pm. The delivery guy drags three crates up the 28 steps to my…
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Resting and planning.
It’s felt like a very long week. I had an unexpected second week of puppy sitting. Overnight on Monday I could feel my symptoms flaring in relation to whatever this autoimmune condition is. My body was screaming at me to slow down. I let my neighbour know that whilst I would still feed and take…
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Folding
Folding inside myself Folding away Away from the world I don’t trust the world I don’t trust me Don’t trust me Promises rusting Emotions turning To stone No moonbeams The stars Blinking out One by one I’ve been here before Falling Burning Turning to ash The rebirth Harder Each time I’m folding Into myself Folding…
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Be In The Moment
Be in the moment This moment now Not the last moment Or the future moment Be present in this moment With whatever this moment brings Be it Happiness Sadness Love Grief Pain Overwhelm Underwhelm Pride Guilt Shame Ecstasy Doubt Exhaustion Let every emotion Every reaction Every feeling Every sensation Have space to be In this…
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Gifts
Both my head and my body often feel like chaos. I have tinnitus and it’s been ongoing for about 5 years. Add to that the near constant chatter from other Alters, their thinking process and my own thinking process, silence is never a thing. Even if the chatter stops the high pitched whine in both…
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Fatigue
As I sit here listening to calming cat music on Spotify my body aches with the fatigue. The music isn’t for me, my cat seemed unusually frightened of the thunderstorm we just had. She hasn’t quite adjusted to the loss of my other cat. I don’t think either of us have. Plus my four days…
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Keep calm and carry on!
Yesterday’s fear after my ex neighbour knocking on the door whilst I was puppy sitting had thrown me. My alters paranoia shot through the roof and conspiracy theories were rife. People had seen taking me Peanut out. What if one of the other neighbours had contacted him? Maybe he thought that I wouldn’t be expecting…
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Nervous system re activated!
Last month one of my neighbours got a five month old dachshund. I went with her to pick him up. His previous owner only had him for two months but her young son was too boisterous with the tiny dog so she decided to rehome him. His name is Peanut and he is adorable. I…
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Monday success.
It’s been another relatively quiet day on the estate. When I got up this morning I had thought about contacting my broadband provider as I was still waiting for their letter so that I can contact the communications ombudsman. After going out to the vet and paying the rest of the recent bill off, I…
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Appreciating the day!
I’ll take more days like today! It’s been pretty quiet all day. Pain levels are manageable with no new random pains today. Is this my nervous system settling down? It’s been unusually quiet everywhere around me on the estate today. No screaming kids, very few barking dogs, long periods of silence. I like it! The…
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Energy Shift
Little did I realise the massive negative impact my difficult neighbour was having on my life! It’s been four days since he fully left his property. The shift in energy in my home is incredible. The whole flat feels lighter. It’s like, it’s not just me breathing an immense sense of relief but the bricks…
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Consumer rights?
With the confirmed departure of my difficult neighbour, I feel like I have a bit more breathing space. He hasn’t gone far and so I’m still on alert due to his parting abuse and threats against my home. Still the energy feels better and it has made me a little lighter. I have had ongoing…
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Quiet Sunday?
This is the second Sunday in a row where the day hasn’t gone to plan. Last Sunday I had the extreme pain in my calf and couldn’t bear weight on my left leg by the late afternoon. Today I wanted a quiet day of reflection. There is not a lot of quiet time at the…
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Unraveling
Thoughts & feelings, Like tangled string. The knots pulled tightly, Picking and tugging, Trying to unravel, All those, Thoughts and feelings. But only succeeding, In tying, Myself in knots! Phoenix.
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A letter to the Moon
Dear Moon. I am saddened, It’s seems humans, Just can’t stop, At destroying, Mother Earth. Now they are, Crashing, Their space junk, On your surface. The latest, An accident, They say. But it’s been done before. Experiment they say, Cause and effect, Zero respect! And my blood boils, At their disconnect. Their shameful action, Has…
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Enigma or miracle?
Every day there are symptoms. Last Friday I went with friends to an open day of a Big Cat Sanctuary. We had booked a couple of months ago. The problem with booking in advance is I never know how unwell I will feel day to day. I was excited about going, but apprehensive due to…
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Patterns
Patterns, patterns, Repeating patterns Over and over Round and Round The patterns go Patterns of old Same story retold Patterns of old Strong and bold Same pattern again Bringing the same Pain Phoenix
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Where’s the positives?
It’s been a stressful few weeks. It’s been eleven days since my cat died and the grief is still hitting hard. I made a memorial frame tonight. The vet made a copy of his footprints and took a clipping of his hair. He is greatly missed. I finally had my rheumatology appointment on the 23rd…
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Hmm?
Where oh where, Did my spiritual spark go? The faint light, That can’t seem to grow. Lines of energy, Thoughts of home. My spiritual light, Has left to roam. No comfort here, Stuck in the 3D. The darkness coming, No room to see. Clinging to threads, Of a past Divine. But still my light, Refuses…
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Time Distortion
Time in the inner world and for alters seems so different to the supposed linear time on the outside. Time in the inner world is fractured, distorted, warped. In terms of grief and loss it’s a complication, especially with so many alters inside. Alters who are relatively aware of the here and now but pop…
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Rest in peace.
Your head, hot, and heavy, Tucked into my armpit. My arms holding, The curve of you. My fingers buried, In your sweet soft fur. The scent of you, Filling my nostrils, One last time. My chest draped, Over your aching body, My heart pouring All my love, With every heartbeat, As you left this world.…
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Grey Skies
The grey skies outside match my mood this morning. It’s been less than 24 hours since my beautiful cat Rocket died in my arms at the vets. He deteriorated overnight on Thursday, and I had to make the difficult decision to end his suffering. I am beyond heartbroken. He came to us at 6 weeks…
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The grief of being poor.
It’s been a rough few days. My male cat suffers from feline idiopathic cystitis. Last Friday night I noticed he was beginning to struggle to urinate. He has had around five episodes of this over the past year. Previously he has been to the vet twice and the other times I have managed his condition…
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How?
How do I hold onto hope? In the midst of hopelessness. How do I hold onto the light? When swirling in so much darkness. How do I believe we are all one? When humanity is so divided. How do I keep living? When it feels like death is around every corner. Diving deeper… With shallow…
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Trying to find peace in CATastrophic chaos.
Ah…the universe always has a plan. My plan was a quiet restful weekend. I am awaiting the council enforcement team to arrive on Monday to issue an eviction notice to my difficult neighbour. In earlier correspondence that he received from the housing people he readily assumed that I had “grassed him up”. So now he…
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Medicinal Music
After a week of anticipation and trying to rehearse choir songs in 35 degrees heat, it may have been cooler trying to rehearse on the surface of Mars, I made it to my choir performance at the Cricket Ground last Sunday. There were 94 other choir members and apparently 6000 spectators. Our largest crowd yet?…
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Glitching
The tiredness Sits heavy In my body My mind In turmoil My heart Exploding The weight Sitting on My shoulders My chest My soul Another glitch In the Matrix Where Am I Now? Phoenix
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Gratitude to Water
The sun is high Hot hot hot. Stuck in traffic, Our journey extended by an hour. Sweating in a full body swimming costume. Am I allergic to the sun? My forehead is already blistering! Torn between going home, Or pressing on. Sunlight is good, Blisters are not! Damn whatever this is, Going on in my…
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(E)ddie (A)te (D)ynamite (G)ood (B)ye (E)ddie
I slip your strap around my neck My thigh nestles in your curve I pull the body of you into me My thumb rests on the back of your neck My fingers curl around your strings Plucking each one Listening for the right tuning Gentle turning of pegs A little tighter on this one A…
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Waiting to return to the Whole.
I come from the stars. Did I know what was before me? Did I know, did I know, When I put my hand up for this journey. There was a plan A plan? But I’ve no clue what it could be, I’m just riding the highs, And all the lows, On this journey, I have…
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Illusion or Delusion?
What is real? What is not? Is this all an illusion? Or simply a delusion? Touch it Feel it Is it true? What is true? That feeling Is it solid? If it slips through your fingers Was it ever really there? Is anything we see true? What are we really seeing? A trick of the…
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Who Am I?
I am night and day I am the beginning and the end I am healing waters and the fires of hell I am peace and chaos I am rising and drowning I am the certainty and the doubt I am the laughter and the tears I am the pain and the pleasure I am the…
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The Future?
When I moved to a new city in June 2023, I believed life was on the up. Here I am two years and four months later crashing over and over like waves to the shore. I had plans. I joined a choir and made friends. I had invested in a piano tutor. I was…
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Dear Mum
Dear mum You would have been 85 today I wonder where you are now? I’ve just got out of bed, Thunder is crashing across the sky. Is that you in the rumbling? Are you listening to my pain now? I look out the window, A small soft white feather drifts past. The rain has arrived,…
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Choose Silence
The less I feel heard The more I shout to be heard The more I shout to be heard The angrier I become The angrier I become The more I am dismissed The more I am dismissed The more triggered I get The more triggered I get The more silent I become The more silent…
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The Storm Pitter patter slide Pitter patter slide The rain cascades faster down the windows Flashes so bright The lightening momentarily blinds me The rumbling thunder overhead shakes the sky, the earth, the building I feel the vibration of the roaring sky First deep in my chest Then it ripples out through my torso My…
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The Blank Page
I can talk and talk I can babble and gaggle Witter and blabber Drone and bore Yet I can’t find my voice I want to write my story The words fail to flow Create a language From the images in my head But the words Are jammed inside And left unsaid I sit before the…
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Happy New Year
Happy New Year to everyone. I thought I’d take the opportunity to reflect on 2023. I wanted to write this last night. Unfortunately, the noise of the fireworks did trigger me quite a lot. So here I am today in a better place. I’ll recognise that achievement first. I acknowledge that I was very triggered…
Phoenix 