Phoenix

As I sit here listening to calming cat music on Spotify my body aches with the fatigue. The music isn’t for me, my cat seemed unusually frightened of the thunderstorm we just had. She hasn’t quite adjusted to the loss of my other cat. I don’t think either of us have. Plus my four days of puppy sitting hasn’t impressed her.

When I say my body aches with the fatigue I don’t mean there’s new unexplained pain. It feels like the fatigue is a pain in every cell in my body. Over the past four days my neighbour has been working 8 hour shifts and so I’ve spent quite a bit of time with the puppy. I’m very grateful he’s a dachshund. There is no way I could have managed a bigger dog. I enjoyed being with him but see how my fatigue eradicates my tolerance. The depth of tiredness makes me clumsy, overstimulated, and anxious. When I get home I want to keep up my music practice. I could just skip practice but then I would be irritated that I’m not practicing.

I have a choir performance tomorrow. My neighbour asked me if I was looking forward to it? Yes, it will be nice to see the choir and catch up and sing together. When I really thought about performing, what I’m actually looking forward to, is coming home and not having signed myself up for any obligations for the rest of the week.

I would say I am running on empty but I surpassed empty days ago. It brings me sadness because there are so many things I want to do but there’s only so much I can push myself.

I know I will enjoy tomorrow but it will come at a price and I will spend days resting and recovering.

I haven’t quite learned the art of standing still and accepting my limitations. Healing and learning are such long winding roads.

Phoenix