Category: Health
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Weekend thoughts.
It’s a new moon tonight. It’s been a reflective day. I feel I am making real progress with my music learning. I have two songs almost fully written, now I need to compose the music for them. That’s the intention I am setting tonight. It would be quiet but fireworks season is upon us. No…
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On the outer edge.
I feel like I exist on the edges of life. It’s not a bad thing, just an observation. Most of the time it’s just me, my cat, and my music. I have no family, no partner and no deep close friendships. I wrote in an earlier post about the spoons required to maintain connection, and…
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Cold comfort.
After the heatwaves of the summer months I’m so grateful for the drop in temperature. My flat finally dropped to 19 degrees last night. At the height of the heatwaves it was reaching 36/37 degrees. I had fans running constantly. I believe the heat contributed to my poor cat’s health condition and ultimately his death.…
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Sleep do not forsake me.
I went to bed at a decent time on Sunday night. Then I tossed and turned. I dozed off, my bladder woke me up almost instantly. The steroid cream stung. I climbed back under the duvet and tossed and turned. I got up again and went to the lounge to get my book. I thought…
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Weekend strangeness?
I’ve spent the weekend at home. I text my choir buddy yesterday morning to see if she was up for singing at a food festival today. When she replied last night that she felt unable to go due to her nerve pain I breathed a sigh of relief. I had really wanted to go, but…
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How? Why?
How am I still standing? Why am I still here? Death has come for me many times. Death a visitor in my life. Until the final visit. In my childhood, Died a thousand deaths . Breathing difficulties many times, I’m still here. Heart attack at 32, Still here. Suicide attempts, Still here. Doctors said at…
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Thursday night…phew
Why phew? Because there’s no commitments for the next two days! Possibly three days if I don’t sing with choir on Sunday. I hadn’t let myself step into the exhaustion of yesterday’s Dermatology appointment as I had to go to volunteering this morning. I don’t normally count the minutes until home time when I volunteer.…
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Diagnoses and waiting lists.
It’s been a day. My anxiety was running high for my upcoming Dermatology appointment today. I went to the GP surgery first as it’s in the same site as the hospital. The receptionist there confirmed it will take at least six months for my records to appear on the NHS app. I wandered over to…
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Singing through the blues.
We had a great choir session tonight. Such an incredible energy and just what I needed to ease my anxiety about tomorrow. I’m grateful that I’ll finally be seeing the dermatologist tomorrow. My scalp and forehead is so inflamed. My new lump is angrier and lumpier! I’m eager to get some assistance to get on…
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Not rested with rest!
So I had my four days of rest. I still don’t feel rested. I haven’t slept well at night. If it’s not my skin condition waking me up, it’s my cat. She has been waking me up throughout the night. It’s seems she is still really unsettled since losing my other cat. She has become…
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Hibernating to recover.
I had already decided on Wednesday night that I would not be going out for four days. On Thursday my choir buddy asked me if I wanted to go somewhere this weekend and I declined. Today the hospital phoned to arrange an appointment for the ultrasound on my hands and wrists. She offered me an…
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The challenge of breathing.
Hmm breathing can definitely be a challenge. I was diagnosed with Asthma as a baby. Instead of growing out of it, I grew into it. My first admission to intensive care was when I was about 11 as far as I can remember. I spent my first 40 years on this planet in and out…
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Tension
My skin condition is flaring quite severely at the moment. Only seven days left until my dermatology appointment and it can’t come quick enough. I’m writing this from a candlelit bath. I had been attempting to play piano but couldn’t concentrate on my online lesson due to the burning sensation in my skin. I don’t…
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Slow Sunday
A slow day. My mum would have been 86 years old today had she not died four years ago. I wonder if she reincarnated or was this her last journey to earth? I didn’t roll out of bed until after 9am. I’ve had a slow day. A couple of household chores. Playing my instruments for…
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Spoons
The spoon theory is something I refer to quite a lot. It’s used by people with chronic and hidden illnesses to explain the use of their energy. Healthy people wake up with an unlimited supply of spoons. Those of us who struggle with conditions every day have a limited amount of spoons. Every action requires…
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Up and down.
I’m slowly recovering from whatever l had last week. I made it to choir last night and it was good to catch up with everyone and step into my helper role. I was very excited for a chance to play on the grand piano there. I learned 23 bars of Für Elise a few weeks…
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Noise!
I complain about noise…a LOT! My PTSD has meant a lifetime of super sensitive hearing. The first memory I have of feeling truly overwhelmed by noise was when I was about five years old. I was outside my grandmothers house on her brightly painted red step. A motorbike with a loud engine came roaring down…
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Performance performed!
I made it to the Whitstable Oyster Festival and performed with my choir. I managed to get up at 7am. Whilst getting ready I did question my decision several times. As I broke out in a sweat I checked my temperature, it was normal. Feeling the aches in the veins in my legs I wondered…
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To go or not to go?
I have improved a little more today. After much debate I have made arrangements to attend the performance tomorrow. I know how easy it is to stay in the midst of my symptoms. Although I have felt better today there are several issues in my body that seem to have flared up. I can choose…
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One tiny step at a time.
I’ve definitely had more brain power today. My temperature has returned to normal as has my heart rate. Unfortunately the sneezing and blocked sinuses remain. I noticed over the past few days that the bridge of my nose is swollen. I struggled to sleep due to congestion last night. I decided it was time to…
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Confusion?
What is this? On Tuesday I was convinced I was coming down with the flu. This isn’t the flu! This is the same pattern that has been plaguing me for the last two years. Is this an autoimmune flare up? Is this how things are going to look like for the rest of my life?…
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Disappointment and fear.
I was so excited on Sunday. Our new choir song had came through for the new choir term that started last night. There’s always a buzz of excitement and anticipation waiting for the new song on a Sunday. Mostly it’s a hit with the majority and occasionally we breathe a collective sigh of disappointment. it’s…
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Mysterious pains!
I had been slowly pottering around this quiet Sunday morning. Watering the plants. I put a couple of loads of washing on. Played with the cat. No out of the ordinary symptoms just the usual things. My ASDA delivery arrived just after 1pm. The delivery guy drags three crates up the 28 steps to my…
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Gifts
Both my head and my body often feel like chaos. I have tinnitus and it’s been ongoing for about 5 years. Add to that the near constant chatter from other Alters, their thinking process and my own thinking process, silence is never a thing. Even if the chatter stops the high pitched whine in both…
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Fatigue
As I sit here listening to calming cat music on Spotify my body aches with the fatigue. The music isn’t for me, my cat seemed unusually frightened of the thunderstorm we just had. She hasn’t quite adjusted to the loss of my other cat. I don’t think either of us have. Plus my four days…
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Keep calm and carry on!
Yesterday’s fear after my ex neighbour knocking on the door whilst I was puppy sitting had thrown me. My alters paranoia shot through the roof and conspiracy theories were rife. People had seen taking me Peanut out. What if one of the other neighbours had contacted him? Maybe he thought that I wouldn’t be expecting…
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Tears of relief
Stillness Silence Bliss Shades of grey in the sky As clouds pass by. Breathe in deep Allow us to weep Stillness Silence Bliss Phoenix.
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Energy Shift
Little did I realise the massive negative impact my difficult neighbour was having on my life! It’s been four days since he fully left his property. The shift in energy in my home is incredible. The whole flat feels lighter. It’s like, it’s not just me breathing an immense sense of relief but the bricks…
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Enigma or miracle?
Every day there are symptoms. Last Friday I went with friends to an open day of a Big Cat Sanctuary. We had booked a couple of months ago. The problem with booking in advance is I never know how unwell I will feel day to day. I was excited about going, but apprehensive due to…
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Where’s the positives?
It’s been a stressful few weeks. It’s been eleven days since my cat died and the grief is still hitting hard. I made a memorial frame tonight. The vet made a copy of his footprints and took a clipping of his hair. He is greatly missed. I finally had my rheumatology appointment on the 23rd…
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Medicinal Music
After a week of anticipation and trying to rehearse choir songs in 35 degrees heat, it may have been cooler trying to rehearse on the surface of Mars, I made it to my choir performance at the Cricket Ground last Sunday. There were 94 other choir members and apparently 6000 spectators. Our largest crowd yet?…
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Gratitude to Water
The sun is high Hot hot hot. Stuck in traffic, Our journey extended by an hour. Sweating in a full body swimming costume. Am I allergic to the sun? My forehead is already blistering! Torn between going home, Or pressing on. Sunlight is good, Blisters are not! Damn whatever this is, Going on in my…
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(E)ddie (A)te (D)ynamite (G)ood (B)ye (E)ddie
I slip your strap around my neck My thigh nestles in your curve I pull the body of you into me My thumb rests on the back of your neck My fingers curl around your strings Plucking each one Listening for the right tuning Gentle turning of pegs A little tighter on this one A…
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Waiting to return to the Whole.
I come from the stars. Did I know what was before me? Did I know, did I know, When I put my hand up for this journey. There was a plan A plan? But I’ve no clue what it could be, I’m just riding the highs, And all the lows, On this journey, I have…
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Illusion or Delusion?
What is real? What is not? Is this all an illusion? Or simply a delusion? Touch it Feel it Is it true? What is true? That feeling Is it solid? If it slips through your fingers Was it ever really there? Is anything we see true? What are we really seeing? A trick of the…
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The Future?
When I moved to a new city in June 2023, I believed life was on the up. Here I am two years and four months later crashing over and over like waves to the shore. I had plans. I joined a choir and made friends. I had invested in a piano tutor. I was…
