Phoenix

Both my head and my body often feel like chaos. I have tinnitus and it’s been ongoing for about 5 years. Add to that the near constant chatter from other Alters, their thinking process and my own thinking process, silence is never a thing. Even if the chatter stops the high pitched whine in both ears never goes away. So when I’ve talked in previous posts about my home and neighbours being quiet it’s not the serene silence one would imagine. It’s just there is less chaos to deal with if my environment is quiet. I can rarely go to sleep without background noise. An audiobook, podcast or favourite TV show is nearly always running on my iPad at bedtime. Otherwise my tinnitus becomes my main focus and I can’t sleep.

There is always some pain or inflammation going on somewhere in my body. Today my mouth and throat is blistered. An unfortunate consequence of performing with choir yesterday. My neck has started aching where my disc is prolapsed which is causing headaches. I never feel completely comfortable in my body and won’t bore anyone with the long list of symptoms that come and go everyday.

I appreciate all the moments with gifts in them. Small periods when there is very little external noise. Finding a very temporary comfortable position and my cat lying on my chest purring deeply. All the birds that feel safe enough to feed on my balcony. Food that tastes good even though I don’t want to eat. A new painful symptom fading into the background. Having a window in the fatigue to play my instruments.

All in all despite the chaos it has been a good weekend of gifts. Attending my choir performance, completing my learning of Für Elise on piano (Which is giving me extreme joy to play.) and my neighbours extreme kindness. As a thank you for dog sitting she gifted me fake grass for my balcony and an egg chair. I had said that I didn’t want any payment and was happy to help out but I appreciate her kindness and her gifts. My balcony has gone from drab to inviting and I’m looking forward to spending time out there now.

I can breathe into the gifts and appreciate each of them.

Phoenix