Phoenix

I feel like I exist on the edges of life. It’s not a bad thing, just an observation. Most of the time it’s just me, my cat, and my music. I have no family, no partner and no deep close friendships.

I wrote in an earlier post about the spoons required to maintain connection, and I just don’t have those spoons. My health has had a major shift. I still wonder some nights as I go to bed if I’ll wake up the next morning? I don’t like to plan too far ahead.

My choir buddy who moved to Ireland wants me to visit her in the spring and I have said yes. This has caused some anxiety in me. I don’t know if I’ll be well enough to travel. I don’t know if I’ll be alive!

I had no expectations of where I would be at 50 because I wasn’t convinced I’d make it this far. Although a few years ago I had plans but they all fell apart when I got ill.

I can’t believe how fast time passes. It’s only 77 days until Christmas! A few weeks ago my neighbour asked if I wanted to come to hers at Christmas. I replied that I hadn’t even considered the C word yet…steady on! I know her intentions are genuine. My negativity though saw it as she’s inviting the lonely old woman from the next block as she’s on her own. I want to spend Christmas alone. I’m happy to spend Christmas alone. Parts of me also don’t want to feel like a spare wheel in someone’s else’s family time. I think that would more miserable than staying in my own home and nourishing my soul with the things I love. My cat, reading a good book and playing my instruments.

I quite like just living on the outer edge, I’m quite content here.

Phoenix.