Phoenix

It’s been a stressful few weeks. It’s been eleven days since my cat died and the grief is still hitting hard. I made a memorial frame tonight. The vet made a copy of his footprints and took a clipping of his hair. He is greatly missed.

I finally had my rheumatology appointment on the 23rd of July. I had high hopes. I was praying that once she saw the skin lesions she would be able to get me an earlier dermatologist appointment which is currently scheduled for 30th September. Disappointingly she said there is no chance of getting an earlier appointment. I scheduled the blood test she had requested for next week and am awaiting an appointment for an ultrasound on my hands.

She said she won’t consider treatment until she has all the results and the dermatology report. That’s was depressing enough.

I hate it when doctors say that I’m practically too complex to diagnose. I find the statement really upsetting. She said it about three times. I end up feeling like I’m the difficult one. Once again it’s all my fault, that they can’t diagnose me. It’s happened throughout my life and doesn’t get any easier to hear.

As I left the hospital I tried not to fall into negative thinking. I tried to look for the positives. I thought perhaps I’ll see her again in October or November at the latest. Then I thought maybe I can look at the positive fact that she’s not throwing medication at me. After all I’ve spent a lifetime complaining that doctors just throw pills at me and don’t look deeper. This consultant is adamant that she wants a clearer picture before committing to treatment.

Then yesterday I unexpectedly received my next rheumatologist appointment. It’s on the 25th February! I feel so deflated. These symptoms affect me every day all day, and are having a serious impact on my life. I feel what’s the point in having a blood test next week. The consultant will want up to date bloods in February. Maybe I just have to find another way. Maybe I’ve wasted time waiting to see a rheumatologist. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

I feel like I am in another autoimmune flare. I’m exhausted and grieving. I have plans this week but no idea if I’ll get to fulfil the plans or if I’ll feel too unwell.

One breath at a time. Let’s see what tomorrow brings?

Phoenix