Phoenix

What is this? On Tuesday I was convinced I was coming down with the flu. This isn’t the flu! This is the same pattern that has been plaguing me for the last two years. Is this an autoimmune flare up? Is this how things are going to look like for the rest of my life?

I know it’s not the flu because I have had the flu before. Tuesday I was barely awake with it. I had all the symptoms of flu at its peak. I dragged myself out of bed to sort out my cat and to get lemsips and paracetamol. The drugs alone speak volumes. Despite the level of pain I live with I try to avoid all painkillers. Getting out of bed on Tuesday my top priority was my cats needs, but the desire to get a lemsip was a close second.

Yesterday I did not return to bed as I stated in my last post. I did stay in my pyjamas. I managed to load the washing machine and hang the washing up once finished. That simple job took every bit of energy I had, but it still speaks to the fact this is not the flu. Today I dragged myself around the flat and gathered all the rubbish and recycling. It would have got left but the food bin was reeking and developing maggots. If I was going to drag my arse up and down 28 steps to the food bin I wasn’t leaving the rubbish behind.

Last night I could feel the depression rolling in. The brain fog lifting slightly as my fever reduced. The realisation that the same virus like symptoms keep repeating over and over again. I thought about changing my GP surgery. I had a fantasy of engaging with a GP who doesn’t dismiss me and ignore me. A health professional that I could work side by side with to help me get through this. I thought about trying kinesiology again, but the last time I went it wasn’t a successful session. I’m still reeling from the vet bill, I can’t afford to throw money away on a maybe.

I took a better look at the rheumatologist report sent to my GP after my appointment in July. I hadn’t really taken much notice before, too angry at the fact that my next appointment is February next year. I became further depressed when I saw that she had stated that the lupus panel blood work had been rejected by the lab…another blow. I have my dermatologist appointment in 20 days. I’ve no idea how that will go.

There is no where to turn to. I don’t know if this is a lupus flare. I don’t know if it’s a virus and I’m contagious. I don’t want someone to fix me. I just want to understand why I keep ending up like this. I don’t believe it’s stress related. I’ve had plenty of stress this year but it’s not resulted in viral symptoms. I was looking forward to things on Tuesday. I was about as calm as I can get.

Now I’m questioning everything. How can I make plans when I don’t know when the next event like this will happen? I didn’t change doctors or book a kinesiology appointment. I developed the violent sneezing stage today which is exhausting in itself. At least I don’t have a fever anymore.

I’m praying I will have recovered at least enough to perform at the oyster festival on Sunday, but right now I’m not holding much hope.

Phoenix