Phoenix

Yesterday’s fear after my ex neighbour knocking on the door whilst I was puppy sitting had thrown me. My alters paranoia shot through the roof and conspiracy theories were rife.

People had seen taking me Peanut out. What if one of the other neighbours had contacted him? Maybe he thought that I wouldn’t be expecting him to knock and so would open the door without any thought. maybe he’s been watching the flats? What if he comes back tonight?

I was on dog sitting duty again today. I was listening out for cars and checking the car park before I walked Peanut. I’d get a good view of the car park on the way back. I checked the stairwell each time I went round. I carried a personal attack alarm with me. Everything went ok.

The thing about growing up in an abusive childhood and the dangers on the streets of Belfast is that if I stopped living because I was afraid then I might as well just give up and die. Home wasn’t safe, the streets weren’t safe, there was no way of knowing where the next shooting, bombing or riot would happen. So I just had to keep living and hope for the best. On the streets I developed a sixth sense. Don’t take that way home today, avoid that area tonight. I spent a lot of time listening in to that and I believe it saved my life. I would get to wherever I was sofa surfing at that time and discover that had I taken the original route I would have been caught up in some incident or other. I still employ that sixth sense today. I know that many of Alters are involved in that sixth sense, and I am grateful to them.

Dog sitting has made me appreciate not having a dog! Don’t get me wrong I love Peanut but I forgot how needy dogs are and could see how my fatigue is affecting my patience! I haven’t had a dog in my life since my lurcher died about 7 years ago. I had two lurchers at one point and have always had big dogs. The puppy stage of barking and constant need for attention is exhausting and makes me appreciate the independence of my cat! I’m happy to dog sit for a few days but also happy when my neighbour returns from work. I really am not well enough to have a dog full time and it’s been helpful for my Alters to see how exhausting a dog is.

I moved my drum kit in with all my other instruments. It’s made the room a little cramped but I like it. I like the compactness of my music space. It feels like being wrapped in a cozy blanket when I am playing or learning or more recently trying to write my own pieces. It brings me safety and happiness.

It’s been a long day. My sore veins are still recovering from the heatwave and my fatigue is overwhelming.

Time to climb into bed and listen to the owl hooting in the trees.

Phoenix.