Phoenix

I made it to the Whitstable Oyster Festival and performed with my choir. I managed to get up at 7am. Whilst getting ready I did question my decision several times. As I broke out in a sweat I checked my temperature, it was normal. Feeling the aches in the veins in my legs I wondered if I could stand for an entire set. I had to tighten my belt an extra notch as on top of everything else I’ve had an upset stomach all week, resulting in me losing about 4 pounds in six days.

We arrived nice and early, giving us an opportunity to grab a drink and gaze out at the sea for half an hour.

We had a leader who we don’t often see. She is amazing. Her energy and guidance seems to fuel us all. I think it was probably the best performance of the summer. Some people were standing below the stage at the front and the rest of us were up on the stage. I was so grateful I picked the spot I did. To my left the was a table about elbow height. This was so useful to lean on between songs. We performed seven songs in total. I was exhausted but full of adrenaline. There was a brilliant audience. I enjoy singing so much and am really pleased I made it.

As soon as I got home I got changed back into my pyjamas. It was nice to get space from the constant worry about my symptoms. It feels like several problems have been really exacerbated over the last week. There’s moments I’ve thought is this it…is this the end? This evening as I walking into the lounge with my dinner there was a Robin sitting on the bird table just staring in the window. I get loads of birds to the balcony but the robins are rare visitor to my feeders. The time was 5.55pm. I could hear the chatter from other alters inside. Mum always said at the end of her life that the Robins were visiting because death is coming soon.

I have to just keep taking the opportunities that I can. It’s like living in a war zone. I don’t know if I’ll be shot or blown up but I just have to keep living life as best I can.

That’s not depressive thinking, quite the opposite. I’ll keep listening in to my body and I’ll keep playing my music and singing from my soul. I’ll go to bed content at the joy performing brought today.

Phoenix