Phoenix

The spoon theory is something I refer to quite a lot. It’s used by people with chronic and hidden illnesses to explain the use of their energy. Healthy people wake up with an unlimited supply of spoons. Those of us who struggle with conditions every day have a limited amount of spoons. Every action requires a spoon. It could be just be the act of getting out of bed and there is one of those limited numbered spoons gone. Once all the spoons are gone the only option is rest. If a spoon is borrowed from tomorrow’s supply that makes recovery harder.

Last night when I climbed into bed I was scrolling through facebook. A terrible pre sleep habit. A video of a young woman popped up. Not someone I had seen before. She was lying in bed in tears. Her opening statement was “How do you acquire a village when you don’t have the spoons to be a villager?

She was speaking about how her chronic illness leaves her so isolated. That friends can become frustrated when she doesn’t have enough spoons left to even text sometimes. She spoke of how she is alone and most of the time copes ok. She’s not unhappy being alone just sometimes when symptoms become overwhelming and life feels too heavy the isolation can be a burden to carry.

Her video has stuck with me all day. I can resonate so deeply. I only have a few friends. If I’m being honest our friendship works because they have busy lives and their own commitments. We try to have lunch dates or we see each other at choir or volunteering. I can’t be too close to anyone because I don’t have the spoons required. I too feel like I can’t enter the village because I don’t have the spoons to be a villager. Most of the time it’s fine. There are times like last week when I was so unwell that I struggled to get out of bed that I wished someone could bring me that lemsip. I see messages of connection and togetherness and I don’t believe I can have that because a lot of days there’s only enough spoons to get out of bed, manage my health needs and my cats needs and then return to bed.

I’m not complaining just recognising my own limitations and how difficult that can feel.

Phoenix