Phoenix

I have recently been struggling to get up for my support worker arriving at 9am. This morning I was up and ready to go. I had gathered up the instruments that I was taking to my choir buddies home. I was grateful to be going out as the council lawnmowers had arrived at 8.30am and were doing my head in.

As we drove up the lane towards her house I felt my shoulders drop. The sheep eyeing us from one field and the goats and pigs eyeing us from the other field. There’s an amazing energy there. It’s like the earth caresses my nervous system. It felt strange to be letting myself into her home. I placed my instruments into the spare room and made us both a coffee. We sat in the garden looking out at the view over the fields. A robin searched for food a couple of feet away. We drank our coffees and drank in the serenity of our surroundings. I spoke of my excitement to watch the stars there and experience the sunrise when I stay over.

Once we finished our coffee, we took a short walk. We went and looked at the dry river bed and then headed for the church. Her husband who passed away in 2020 is buried in the cemetery. I have never been there before and it had not been my intention to go today. On entering the churchyard I found his grave. I unexpectedly became quite emotional. I stayed by his grave for a while, telling him how his wife had made it to Ireland and that I would respect their home and his guitars would ring out once more as his wife has given me permission to play them. I had asked her which one was the special guitar, which one would she prefer me not to touch. She had burst into tears when I asked this question. I asked did I say something wrong and she told me that it was such a respectful request that I had thought to ask and value her wishes.

I see how raw her grief still is. I really do feel grateful and honoured to be able to stay there and I feel I can make real progress with my music and maybe my writing. I do worry about my cat. It would be lovely if she could join me but it would be too stressful for both of us to ferry her back and forth and I’ll be away from home less than 24 hours at a time.

I’m trying to navigate the anxieties of my health concerns and not let them overwhelm me. Maybe this is an opportunity to heal too. It’s a relief that my alters like it there.

To calmer nervous systems and to starry nights and sunrises!

Phoenix