Phoenix

What is healing? What is it like to wake up in the morning and not feel some level of pain physically or emotionally?

There is always some level of distress. Maybe I’m not meant to heal fully. Maybe there’s a truth to that? How can a system of so many alters in one body ever fully heal? There’s always going to be a thread of some trauma unraveling like a trip wire in the dark.

I am holding myself and holding my system and the fatigue runs deep. So so deep. My body constantly feels like it’s metamorphosing. Like every bone, every muscle, every sinew melts, liquifies and then turns solid again. As if every atom explodes outwards in a giant ball and then returns to form.

The contractors left early next door. Downstairs neighbours were out most of the day, and the moments of silence were sheer bliss.

I fed Neesha early and we had such good play time. She’s all curled up in my lap and I am making the most of it before any fireworks start and she hides away in the wardrobe. Maybe we’ll be lucky tonight.

The peaceful moments today have allowed me to contemplate this idea of healing. Not analyse it, not to try and fix anything, just to sit with it. To know that I’m an ever changing being. Quiet opportunities to be reflective and to hear the ebb and flow.

Until tomorrow.

Peace

Phoenix