Category: Uncategorized
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The Future?
When I moved to a new city in June 2023, I believed life was on the up. Here I am two years and four months later crashing over and over like waves to the shore. I had plans. I joined a choir and made friends. I had invested in a piano tutor. I was…
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Dear Mum
Dear mum You would have been 85 today I wonder where you are now? I’ve just got out of bed, Thunder is crashing across the sky. Is that you in the rumbling? Are you listening to my pain now? I look out the window, A small soft white feather drifts past. The rain has arrived,…
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Choose Silence
The less I feel heard The more I shout to be heard The more I shout to be heard The angrier I become The angrier I become The more I am dismissed The more I am dismissed The more triggered I get The more triggered I get The more silent I become The more silent…
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The Storm Pitter patter slide Pitter patter slide The rain cascades faster down the windows Flashes so bright The lightening momentarily blinds me The rumbling thunder overhead shakes the sky, the earth, the building I feel the vibration of the roaring sky First deep in my chest Then it ripples out through my torso My…
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Worth?
Caught up in the 3D, I’m unable to see me. Look into my eyes, my eyes, My heart aches and cries. My truth fails to flow, Where does my voice go? My heart cracks a little more, Is my worth behind the next door? Musician, writer, poet, lover, My worth is still not uncovered. Mask…
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Finding my voice.
A couple of weeks ago I attended my usual Tuesday night session of choir practice and for the first time since joining I found the courage to put my hand up to sing the solo for one of the songs. There is around 50 members in our choir and so this felt like an incredibly…
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The Blank Page
I can talk and talk I can babble and gaggle Witter and blabber Drone and bore Yet I can’t find my voice I want to write my story The words fail to flow Create a language From the images in my head But the words Are jammed inside And left unsaid I sit before the…
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Happy New Year
Happy New Year to everyone. I thought I’d take the opportunity to reflect on 2023. I wanted to write this last night. Unfortunately, the noise of the fireworks did trigger me quite a lot. So here I am today in a better place. I’ll recognise that achievement first. I acknowledge that I was very triggered…
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Push and Pull
The busy thoughts of my ego and alters Can feel confusing and overwhelming Trying to untangle what is trauma And the reality of now I am safe I am loved But My mind screams What if you are not? I am safe I am loved I am enough But My mind screams What if you…
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Stopping
The value of stopping Is rarely appreciated In the chaotic world In which we live The value of the silence The stillness The gentle witnessing Of our thoughts Both in the Shadow and the light Of truly feeling Each emotion Both painful and joyous . Of letting ourselves be What we need to be For…
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The chaos of noise
I believe I have become more adept at negotiating the triggers of noise. My ears are highly sensitive. I still get upset and overwhelmed by extreme noise. It’s distressing because it hurts, and the overwhelming experience tends to affect my entire body not just my ears. I believe at the moment I have a virus.…
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Awakening
I am awakening Learning Unfurling Uncurling No more stasis No more numbness No more silencing Blocking Ignoring I am listening Feeling Seeing Witnessing The light was always poring in Now I am aware of it Now I am aware of me Aware of those inside Seeing them Feeling their pain Their tears wet on my…
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I Am
I am the light, I am tired, I am hurting, I am angry, I am sad, I am filled with all the words unsaid. I am drowning in the tears not yet shed. I am weighed down by my fears. I am exhausted by the pain. I am weary from manifestations of injuries past. I…
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Food As an Alien Concept
At the beginning of 2020 I developed a severe eating disorder. My eating disorder is due to childhood trauma. This has made getting outside professional help almost impossible. I sought help from my GP, mental health services, eating disorder services and at every point I was told I didn’t fit their boxes for help. I’m…
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Crowded
Wandering through the city streets A throng of strangers faces passing by Chatter and laughs loud voices fill the air Feeling invisible as I wend my way onward Like a salmon swimming upstream I am walking against the tide of bodies Zig zagging in and out of the crowd There’s a myriad of thoughts Stumbling…
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Moving home.
Six days ago I moved into a new home in a new city. I have been desperate to move from my old home. I was sad to leave it in some ways. There’s been major changes in myself in the sixteen years I spent there. I am happy to have moved. There has been quite…
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Courage
C Caring about myself O Opening my mind and my heart U Understanding my triggers R Respecting my needs A Accepting myself G Gentle encouragement E Evolving through my journey Self care can be a huge hurdle when our mental health is poor. Negative self talk, beating ourselves up when things aren’t going great, demanding…
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Stardust
I keep contemplating the fact the I seem constantly drawn to quantum physics and the universe seems to be pulling me in different directions. Stepping in and out of my inner wisdom and just doing my best at every turn. During a meditation this evening this poem came to me. We Are Made Of Stardust…
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Anger
The red mist is a swirling storm Piercing and stinging like a thousand thorns Sometimes it erupts and I’m not aware Just how wild it’s raging from all parts there Every spiritual notion is mocked and jeered Rational reasoning is hated and feared And me well I get tired of the ongoing fight Of trying…
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I Can Breathe
Are you aware of your breath Do you notice the rise and fall As you inhale then exhale For decades I was blinded By the depth of my trauma To the fact that I am not breathing Even medics where blind Treating me from infancy For Asthma For sleep apnea For chest infections They also…
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I am Free I am Love
From Dawn until Dusk I’m no longer a shell or a husk From Dusk until Dawn I’m no longer just their pawn In the light shining my own self Not waiting to be taken from the shelf In the dark I’m sovereign and divine No more waiting for hands that are unkind I am now…
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I was always enough
I wrote this poem this evening as I lay on my sofa contemplating my day. I started this blog to write about my healing journey. I haven’t got as far in my writing as I would have liked but I recognise how difficult last year was for myself and my system. I am also recognising…
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Who Am I
WhoWho am I?I am PhoenixI amWho?PhoenixCan’t I be seen?I am PhoenixI look at my reflectionYet again I’m not sureWho’s that looking back?Uncertain unsureIs that me?I am PhoenixAm I?Who says?MeI sayI am PhoenixTrying to hold onto meWho am I?Shape shiftingI want to be meI am PhoenixPhoenix I wrote this poem, just after I wrote the blog…
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Feeling like an alien?
I am feeling stronger, I am feeling possibly the strongest I have ever felt. Yes, I am still dissociating daily, sometimes hourly, sometimes even minute by minute! There does seem to be more cohesion between myself and many other alters though. I don’t lose time like I have done in the past, unless severely triggered…
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Left Foot Right Foot
Left foot right foot. Heart beating faster. Left foot right foot. My lungs expanding. Left foot right foot. Filled with cold night air. Left foot right foot. The breeze in my hair. Left foot right foot. River runs by my side. Left foot right foot. Running against the tide. Left foot right foot. Don’t slow…
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Space To Grieve
It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything. Life has been a bit of a rollercoaster over the past few months, but things have settled down for the moment. As I continue on my healing journey feelings ebb and flow constantly. New alters are still coming forward with their experiences and pain. This quite often…
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Rebirth Death Rebirth.
I am a Phoenix My feathers keep me safe A plumage of protection Then memories unfold My feathers fall to the ground Exposing my skin, my soul To the searing heat of pain and truth Sometimes a memory strips all the feathers And I burn in the fire of trauma. Again I have no choice…
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The First Alters
I just want to clarify something before reading this next piece in my journey. This year I changed my name by deed poll to Phoenix. Before that my name was Debbie just to avoid confusion in this piece. I have explained my departure from work and stepping into the world of mental health treatment and…
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A Post By Katie
This post is from one of my younger alters, Katie. Katie has found her passion in photography. There is a combination of 10,498 photos and videos on our phone and the majority have been taken by Katie over the past few years. In March 2020 we developed a severe trauma related eating disorder where we…
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Interlude between Posts
On Thursday I had started to write my next piece for this blog, I had finished it on Friday but I have yet to post it as I wanted to give it some thought and edit it before posting. I took the weekend off, filling my time between finishing Alison Bechdels comic novel Fun Home,…
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River Watching.
I watch the flow of the river. Each dimple in the water like a smile The dimples transform to ripples Like a smile changing to a frown I feel the ebb and flow The water a reflection Of my own cascading emotions The surface looks sure and knowing But unseen is the activity below the…
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Welcome to my Journey
Hi my name is Phoenix. I’m starting this new page to write about my healing journey with Dissociative Identity Disorder. I will be writing about my experiences, my thoughts and my feelings on various topics. I will be discussing my mental health, physical health and the hobbies that help me along the way. Lets begin…
Phoenix Rising 