Phoenix

Hmm breathing can definitely be a challenge. I was diagnosed with Asthma as a baby. Instead of growing out of it, I grew into it. My first admission to intensive care was when I was about 11 as far as I can remember.

I spent my first 40 years on this planet in and out of hospital, in and out of resus, and in and out of intensive care with breathing difficulties.

After years of therapy and a lot of inner work I uncovered that my breathing difficulties are all linked to my childhood trauma. Since unlocking this truth, and many alters working with their traumatic experiences, I no longer experience asthma symptoms! It’s probably been around nine years since my last hospital admission for breathing problems. I stopped all my asthma medication and have been fine without them.

Just because there isn’t anymore hospital admissions doesn’t mean it’s all perfect though. I know I don’t breathe well when I sleep. I know I have to be consciously aware throughout the day if I’m breathing regularly and this is especially true when I’m anxious or alters are triggered. Our bodies default position is not to breathe! Strange as that may sound. I often wonder what it’s like not to have to be so conscious of something that is supposed to be such a natural bodily function.

I try to do regular breath work and to be as aware as I can be. It’s one of the reasons I love singing and love choir. You can’t sing without breath work. Singing long phrases especially if they are fast or a note needs to be held extra long, breathing needs to be planned and controlled. Expel air too fast on a note that needs to be held and there isn’t enough breath to sing. I find it had work but rewarding and it’s good practice not just for me but for my alters.

I love playing piano. Recently I’ve been studying technique. Slowing down listening more to how the dynamics of a piece work. As I’ve been reading up on theory and studying how to make the piano sound like it’s singing I realised my next challenge. I don’t breathe enough when I’m playing! I’ve been trying to correct this for the last couple of weeks and honestly it’s almost more difficult than actually learning the instrument. I can work both hands independently and remember where to use the pedal but throw breathing into the mix and I fall apart. I am determined to master it though.

When I first joined choir three years ago I was at a complete loss when I realised we had to sing and clap at the same time! I look back at early videos of my choir performances and can see how I’m not clapping or swaying in time. Now I love it, and can clap, sway, snd breathe in time…the majority of the time. Last term we sang a George Michael melody and every fourth clap was a double clap! That was an interesting new challenge but I mastered it.

Hopefully with perseverance I can master playing the piano and breathing better. Maybe this is another level of healing. I find playing music so beneficial, just imagine the benefits of learning to breathe at the same time!

Phoenix