Phoenix

I complain about noise…a LOT! My PTSD has meant a lifetime of super sensitive hearing. The first memory I have of feeling truly overwhelmed by noise was when I was about five years old. I was outside my grandmothers house on her brightly painted red step. A motorbike with a loud engine came roaring down the street at speed. That noise ripped through my ears and my brain like I’d been stabbed with sword straight through my ears. I ran into the house crying with my hands covering my ears. My grandmother was a staunch Belfast woman. I never saw her cry, ever. She asked what was wrong and I told her the noise of the bike had hurt my ears. She told me not to be so silly noise can’t hurt anyone. I was so distressed, I expected to remove my hands and blood to pour out of my ears.

This sensitivity has remained. About 20 years ago I had problems with my right ear. I could barely hear anything in it for months but not to worry my left ear picked up the slack and doubled its efforts to hear everything! I never got to the bottom of what was going on in my right ear. I think it was an alter coming forward with their own trauma which included a deaf ear. It eventually resolved.

I came to the realisation about a decade ago that distressing noise isn’t just an issue from the point of sound. I also feel sound in my body. If it feels threatening or triggering then the problem is, even if the noise stops my body continues to be in a state of disregulation and I have to put the work in to regulate it.

I was aware of a shift in my perspective last night. The neighbours in the flat below have been living there for about 10 months. A family with a young child. As they’ve settled in they have a large number of friends and family and kids visit especially at weekends. The kids thunder across the flat, the music is turned up and so the adults talk louder to be heard over the music!

The noise although very loud is a very different experience to the loudness that my evicted neighbour inflicted upon us. His noise was threatening, angry, and was designed to cause as much upset as possible and it made me furious. The noise from downstairs is people in connection, kids enjoying themselves and there is no malice intended in their actions, so my ears and nervous system go nothing to feel threatened about here!

I try to turn more frustrating sounds into something more musical. Turn the barking dogs into a drumbeat, the regular car alarm a healing hum.

I think noise will always be an issue, but maybe I can turn it around into a more positive experience.

Phoenix