Category: Mental Health
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Enigma or miracle?
Every day there are symptoms. Last Friday I went with friends to an open day of a Big Cat Sanctuary. We had booked a couple of months ago. The problem with booking in advance is I never know how unwell I will feel day to day. I was excited about going, but apprehensive due to…
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Patterns
Patterns, patterns, Repeating patterns Over and over Round and Round The patterns go Patterns of old Same story retold Patterns of old Strong and bold Same pattern again Bringing the same Pain Phoenix
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Where’s the positives?
It’s been a stressful few weeks. It’s been eleven days since my cat died and the grief is still hitting hard. I made a memorial frame tonight. The vet made a copy of his footprints and took a clipping of his hair. He is greatly missed. I finally had my rheumatology appointment on the 23rd…
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Hmm?
Where oh where, Did my spiritual spark go? The faint light, That can’t seem to grow. Lines of energy, Thoughts of home. My spiritual light, Has left to roam. No comfort here, Stuck in the 3D. The darkness coming, No room to see. Clinging to threads, Of a past Divine. But still my light, Refuses…
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Time Distortion
Time in the inner world and for alters seems so different to the supposed linear time on the outside. Time in the inner world is fractured, distorted, warped. In terms of grief and loss it’s a complication, especially with so many alters inside. Alters who are relatively aware of the here and now but pop…
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Grey Skies
The grey skies outside match my mood this morning. It’s been less than 24 hours since my beautiful cat Rocket died in my arms at the vets. He deteriorated overnight on Thursday, and I had to make the difficult decision to end his suffering. I am beyond heartbroken. He came to us at 6 weeks…
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How?
How do I hold onto hope? In the midst of hopelessness. How do I hold onto the light? When swirling in so much darkness. How do I believe we are all one? When humanity is so divided. How do I keep living? When it feels like death is around every corner. Diving deeper… With shallow…
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Trying to find peace in CATastrophic chaos.
Ah…the universe always has a plan. My plan was a quiet restful weekend. I am awaiting the council enforcement team to arrive on Monday to issue an eviction notice to my difficult neighbour. In earlier correspondence that he received from the housing people he readily assumed that I had “grassed him up”. So now he…
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Medicinal Music
After a week of anticipation and trying to rehearse choir songs in 35 degrees heat, it may have been cooler trying to rehearse on the surface of Mars, I made it to my choir performance at the Cricket Ground last Sunday. There were 94 other choir members and apparently 6000 spectators. Our largest crowd yet?…
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Glitching
The tiredness Sits heavy In my body My mind In turmoil My heart Exploding The weight Sitting on My shoulders My chest My soul Another glitch In the Matrix Where Am I Now? Phoenix
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Gratitude to Water
The sun is high Hot hot hot. Stuck in traffic, Our journey extended by an hour. Sweating in a full body swimming costume. Am I allergic to the sun? My forehead is already blistering! Torn between going home, Or pressing on. Sunlight is good, Blisters are not! Damn whatever this is, Going on in my…
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(E)ddie (A)te (D)ynamite (G)ood (B)ye (E)ddie
I slip your strap around my neck My thigh nestles in your curve I pull the body of you into me My thumb rests on the back of your neck My fingers curl around your strings Plucking each one Listening for the right tuning Gentle turning of pegs A little tighter on this one A…
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Waiting to return to the Whole.
I come from the stars. Did I know what was before me? Did I know, did I know, When I put my hand up for this journey. There was a plan A plan? But I’ve no clue what it could be, I’m just riding the highs, And all the lows, On this journey, I have…
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Illusion or Delusion?
What is real? What is not? Is this all an illusion? Or simply a delusion? Touch it Feel it Is it true? What is true? That feeling Is it solid? If it slips through your fingers Was it ever really there? Is anything we see true? What are we really seeing? A trick of the…
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My Mask
My Mask It doesn’t scream When loudness overwhelms It’s doesn’t retaliate When my heart hurts It doesn’t slip When the pain is unbearable It doesn’t cry When I’m sobbing inside It doesn’t grimace When I feel overwhelmed My mask smiles Even when I’m exhausted My mask is invisible And therefore, So am I!
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Who Am I?
I am night and day I am the beginning and the end I am healing waters and the fires of hell I am peace and chaos I am rising and drowning I am the certainty and the doubt I am the laughter and the tears I am the pain and the pleasure I am the…
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The Future?
When I moved to a new city in June 2023, I believed life was on the up. Here I am two years and four months later crashing over and over like waves to the shore. I had plans. I joined a choir and made friends. I had invested in a piano tutor. I was…
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Dear Mum
Dear mum You would have been 85 today I wonder where you are now? I’ve just got out of bed, Thunder is crashing across the sky. Is that you in the rumbling? Are you listening to my pain now? I look out the window, A small soft white feather drifts past. The rain has arrived,…
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Life is too confusing. Love is too painful.
I remember that scared space Together That We used to climb into Together A place outside of the 3D Together A place outside of our individual stresses Together Where we were in the moment. Together We held each other in compassion Together We rode the stars Together We held each other in love Together It’s…
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Choose Silence
The less I feel heard The more I shout to be heard The more I shout to be heard The angrier I become The angrier I become The more I am dismissed The more I am dismissed The more triggered I get The more triggered I get The more silent I become The more silent…
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The Storm Pitter patter slide Pitter patter slide The rain cascades faster down the windows Flashes so bright The lightening momentarily blinds me The rumbling thunder overhead shakes the sky, the earth, the building I feel the vibration of the roaring sky First deep in my chest Then it ripples out through my torso My…
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Worth?
Caught up in the 3D, I’m unable to see me. Look into my eyes, my eyes, My heart aches and cries. My truth fails to flow, Where does my voice go? My heart cracks a little more, Is my worth behind the next door? Musician, writer, poet, lover, My worth is still not uncovered. Mask…
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Finding my voice.
A couple of weeks ago I attended my usual Tuesday night session of choir practice and for the first time since joining I found the courage to put my hand up to sing the solo for one of the songs. There is around 50 members in our choir and so this felt like an incredibly…
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The Blank Page
I can talk and talk I can babble and gaggle Witter and blabber Drone and bore Yet I can’t find my voice I want to write my story The words fail to flow Create a language From the images in my head But the words Are jammed inside And left unsaid I sit before the…
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Happy New Year
Happy New Year to everyone. I thought I’d take the opportunity to reflect on 2023. I wanted to write this last night. Unfortunately, the noise of the fireworks did trigger me quite a lot. So here I am today in a better place. I’ll recognise that achievement first. I acknowledge that I was very triggered…
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Push and Pull
The busy thoughts of my ego and alters Can feel confusing and overwhelming Trying to untangle what is trauma And the reality of now I am safe I am loved But My mind screams What if you are not? I am safe I am loved I am enough But My mind screams What if you…
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Stopping
The value of stopping Is rarely appreciated In the chaotic world In which we live The value of the silence The stillness The gentle witnessing Of our thoughts Both in the Shadow and the light Of truly feeling Each emotion Both painful and joyous . Of letting ourselves be What we need to be For…
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The chaos of noise
I believe I have become more adept at negotiating the triggers of noise. My ears are highly sensitive. I still get upset and overwhelmed by extreme noise. It’s distressing because it hurts, and the overwhelming experience tends to affect my entire body not just my ears. I believe at the moment I have a virus.…
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Awakening
I am awakening Learning Unfurling Uncurling No more stasis No more numbness No more silencing Blocking Ignoring I am listening Feeling Seeing Witnessing The light was always poring in Now I am aware of it Now I am aware of me Aware of those inside Seeing them Feeling their pain Their tears wet on my…
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I Am
I am the light, I am tired, I am hurting, I am angry, I am sad, I am filled with all the words unsaid. I am drowning in the tears not yet shed. I am weighed down by my fears. I am exhausted by the pain. I am weary from manifestations of injuries past. I…
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Food As an Alien Concept
At the beginning of 2020 I developed a severe eating disorder. My eating disorder is due to childhood trauma. This has made getting outside professional help almost impossible. I sought help from my GP, mental health services, eating disorder services and at every point I was told I didn’t fit their boxes for help. I’m…
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Crowded
Wandering through the city streets A throng of strangers faces passing by Chatter and laughs loud voices fill the air Feeling invisible as I wend my way onward Like a salmon swimming upstream I am walking against the tide of bodies Zig zagging in and out of the crowd There’s a myriad of thoughts Stumbling…
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Moving home.
Six days ago I moved into a new home in a new city. I have been desperate to move from my old home. I was sad to leave it in some ways. There’s been major changes in myself in the sixteen years I spent there. I am happy to have moved. There has been quite…
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Courage
C Caring about myself O Opening my mind and my heart U Understanding my triggers R Respecting my needs A Accepting myself G Gentle encouragement E Evolving through my journey Self care can be a huge hurdle when our mental health is poor. Negative self talk, beating ourselves up when things aren’t going great, demanding…
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Stardust
I keep contemplating the fact the I seem constantly drawn to quantum physics and the universe seems to be pulling me in different directions. Stepping in and out of my inner wisdom and just doing my best at every turn. During a meditation this evening this poem came to me. We Are Made Of Stardust…
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Family?
I’m traversing through some difficult things at the moment. It’s almost midnight and I can’t sleep. Over the past couple of weeks I have noticed myself finding it difficult to listen to comedians or watch TV shows all extolling the ups and downs of family life. I’ve never felt I’ve really experienced family life and…
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Anger
The red mist is a swirling storm Piercing and stinging like a thousand thorns Sometimes it erupts and I’m not aware Just how wild it’s raging from all parts there Every spiritual notion is mocked and jeered Rational reasoning is hated and feared And me well I get tired of the ongoing fight Of trying…
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I Can Breathe
Are you aware of your breath Do you notice the rise and fall As you inhale then exhale For decades I was blinded By the depth of my trauma To the fact that I am not breathing Even medics where blind Treating me from infancy For Asthma For sleep apnea For chest infections They also…
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I am Free I am Love
From Dawn until Dusk I’m no longer a shell or a husk From Dusk until Dawn I’m no longer just their pawn In the light shining my own self Not waiting to be taken from the shelf In the dark I’m sovereign and divine No more waiting for hands that are unkind I am now…
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I was always enough
I wrote this poem this evening as I lay on my sofa contemplating my day. I started this blog to write about my healing journey. I haven’t got as far in my writing as I would have liked but I recognise how difficult last year was for myself and my system. I am also recognising…
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Who Am I
WhoWho am I?I am PhoenixI amWho?PhoenixCan’t I be seen?I am PhoenixI look at my reflectionYet again I’m not sureWho’s that looking back?Uncertain unsureIs that me?I am PhoenixAm I?Who says?MeI sayI am PhoenixTrying to hold onto meWho am I?Shape shiftingI want to be meI am PhoenixPhoenix I wrote this poem, just after I wrote the blog…
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Feeling like an alien?
I am feeling stronger, I am feeling possibly the strongest I have ever felt. Yes, I am still dissociating daily, sometimes hourly, sometimes even minute by minute! There does seem to be more cohesion between myself and many other alters though. I don’t lose time like I have done in the past, unless severely triggered…
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Against The Flow
Swimming constantly upstream Against the cold and sweeping currents Arms and legs tired and heavy Struggling to keep my head up Trying for a breath as my nose lifts Stop fighting the flow Instructs the world around me How when where I need to be is upstream Relax into it instructs the universe Close my…
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Left Foot Right Foot
Left foot right foot. Heart beating faster. Left foot right foot. My lungs expanding. Left foot right foot. Filled with cold night air. Left foot right foot. The breeze in my hair. Left foot right foot. River runs by my side. Left foot right foot. Running against the tide. Left foot right foot. Don’t slow…
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Space To Grieve
It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything. Life has been a bit of a rollercoaster over the past few months, but things have settled down for the moment. As I continue on my healing journey feelings ebb and flow constantly. New alters are still coming forward with their experiences and pain. This quite often…
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Holding onto Hope
Life can feel so frustrating. My trauma means the same patterns happen time and time again, as new alters bring new pieces of our troubled past. More secrets unlocked, which brings sadness, fear, anxiety and cause actual body memories, in the most recent case it has led to me feeling like I am suffering from…
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Rebirth Death Rebirth.
I am a Phoenix My feathers keep me safe A plumage of protection Then memories unfold My feathers fall to the ground Exposing my skin, my soul To the searing heat of pain and truth Sometimes a memory strips all the feathers And I burn in the fire of trauma. Again I have no choice…
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A Piece about Technology and Me
I am taking a break from specifically blogging about my journey today as I’m feeling a little fragile. As I still wanted to blog, I thought I would post my thoughts on technology and gaming. I am 46 years old and have been gaming since I was about 4 years old. I started out on…
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The First Psychiatrist Appointment
In my last post Descent Into The Unknown I ended the post by saying how my world came crashing down around me and I left work permanently. For my last year at work my GP had been prescribing me Prozac for my depression. When I left work I was placed under the care of the…
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Descent Into The Unknown
The delayed post! My childhood didn’t only consist of trauma. It also consisted of confusion and blank spots. I thought I was a forgetful kid, who just wasn’t very smart! Adults especially teachers would become frustrated with me. Telling me they had told me information or had asked me to complete a task that I…
